Next Update Fri 25th Feb 2000
FEB 2000
Issue 10 - Updated:18.2.2000

2.5 M I L L I O N . . .
When will the madness end ???
It’s bad enough watching the nation fall fowl of the Oasis marketing mangle yet again, but this latest bit of news is beyond any kind of joke.

Oasis will be paid an obscene 2.5 million to headline this years' Reading and Leeds festivals.

Festival goers will be asked to part with £80 for a 3 day ticket. That means it will take over 30,000 people to pay for the Piss Poor Oasis performances alone.

Other, lesser known, but more talented acts will be tussling over the remaining scraps in the vain hope of survival, or at least a little exposure/recognition in this shameful circus.

Will this be enough to finally teach us that these plagiarizing puppets of pop are fucking us every which way. The innocent charm of their humble beginnings is now greasing the palms of of an evil beast.


Drug School
Ex-Smashing Pumpkins slapper D'Arcy Wretsky, was in the dock on crack possession charges, and has been ordered to attend a drug education programme.

Wretsky was busted back in January while joy riding with two buddies. The poor little sausage will now have to attend four days worth of 'drug education training', within a two month period. Once completed, she will have a squeaky clean record. Be sure she won’t play on one again.


Doll Wars
Christina Aguilera takes on Britney Spears in the quest to create the utimate fantasy doll. Christina’s dolls—not yet available in the UK— go one step further than Brits and play her chart-topper Genie In A Bottle song when you press her innie button.

Not to be beaten the new Britney Spears doll is said to make a come back with the addition of variable breast which you can inflate by politely squeezing her bottom.

I know which I would prefer.


Wierdo Britney Spears has bizarrely confessed that when she was12, she would skulk around fields at night with pals to push over sleeping cows.


Dear oh dear…….from the sound of their new single 'Kill All Hippies' I hope Primal scream aren’t planning on playing Glastonbury this Summer.

I’m sure this haunting tune would surely move the ‘cultural’ crowd. It would move them from the top of the field to the stage very quickly, where Bobby and his gang would hopefully get a taste of a new Hippie dance craze called ‘Kill All Has Beens’.


Don’t look now, but those singing ‘hair dressers Bananarama are heading back into the world of pop. Fed up with carpet cleaning, they announced this week that they will return as a duo, rather than a trio. God, we need this like a new Paul Young album.

Some how I doubt Robert De Nero will be waiting this time girls.


Take a Bowie
Congratulations are in order for the ever fertile David Bowie and wife Iman. For Bowie, who’s spent more than thirty years ‘Inmen’, the birth is a ‘great surprise’.

The couple admitted they’d been trying for a child for years. Iman said ‘We wanted to wait till the time was right. Spiritually we had to look for some inner guidance." This roughly translates into ‘David couldn’t get it up for years’.

The couple are now looking for baby names that are keeping with the ‘Somali-Bromley tradition.’ The names ‘Steve’ and ‘Gary’ are thought to be top of the list.


Kiss & Make up
Those heavy metal ‘monsters of rock’ Kiss have decided to split, bringing a massive loss of jobs to the USA make up industry.

Apparently they decided they were ‘too old for make up and their outrageous Rock n’ Roll life style.’ (Don’t worry lads my mum’s still going strong!)

Someone should have told them this years ago, because ever since 1985 they have been doing a very good impression of four overweight factory workers from Bolton who fancied dressing up as ‘Coco the Clown’ whilst out on a hen night.


Looks like that hot ‘bit o’ rough’ All Saint Nicole Appleton has been having a bit of ‘sand, sea and sex’ with that oily monkey Leonardo Di Caprio.

Done up like Vera Lynn at a Poppy day service, Nic had only one thing on her mind when she met up with young Leo at the after show party for his film ‘The Beach’.

Whilst other guests mingled, Nic and Leo were seen heading for the nearest bathroom. However, I can reveal nothing much happened. From what I heard from outside the bathroom door, Leo and Nic were quietly watching Leo’s last film ‘Titanic’.

All I could hear was: "Oh no! It’s going down again...Jesus you’re sinking deeper" and "Oh no! There’s seaman and water everywhere."


N I C K 'n' T A R A . . .
Poor old Nick Rhodes seems to be having as much luck in love as a pissed up Baboon in a field of celibate sparrows. This week he split with ‘IT’ girl Tara Palmer Tomkinson. Friends said there were a lot of tears and ‘smudged eye liner’. (As for Tara, she seems to be bearing up rather well.)

Apparently, the split happened after Tara misheard Nick at the breakfast table.

Nick Rhodes : "I’m having the lot! The full works! Eggs and beans and chips. I’m off. Forget the gravy!"

What Tara thought she heard Nick say was : "I ‘m having the chop. The full works. I’ve got the eggs, but no beans. Look at my hips. I’m a faggot and I’m off to join the navy!"

F A N N Y F E A T U R E S . . .
It wouldn’t be a true week in pop without good old ‘Mrs Whippy Head’ Geri Halliwell popping up again in some shape or form. This week she starts work on her new album ‘Ginger Minger’ in an exclusive London studio.

The real news is Geri’s plans to upstage Baby, Sporty, Scarey and Posh at this years' Brit awards. Sources close to Geri tell me she plans to kick off her performance by entering the stage through a massive Furry Fanny. For someone who’s very good at talking through her ‘arse’, Geri’s decision to sing through her ‘Beaver’ is a welcomed change.

However, tragedy struck this week at the design studio in Berkshire, where Geri’s massive Twat is being built. A young set builder nearly suffocated, when Geri’s ‘Pussy’ collapsed on him, swallowing him whole.

Things were made worse when the blow torch he was holding set fire to the ginger ‘pubes’. Emergency workers were horrified by the sight of a massive 12 foot, flaming fanny rolling around the studio floor.

After 6 hours of ‘red hot pussy’, calm was restored and work is now very much back to normal. One worker told me his marriage hasn’t been the same since he told his wife he’d spent the whole day ‘hosing down a massive bubbling beaver’.

S H A N E v S I N E A D . . .
Old Smack Face MacGowan is threatening to sue Hunny Nunny O'Connor for 'defamation of character' following her rants to Q magazine about why she reported him to the police for possessing heroin.

Good looking Shane is furious that Sinead grassed on him and stated "I can get her on three counts of defamation of character. One, she said I was an addict; two, that I was skint; and three, that I was incapable of functioning at any level. That's crap, so I'm suing her. I don't need the money to buy drugs, I just want to clear my name."

Sweet little Shaun said that an altercation developed after he took the piss out of O'Connor when she turned up at his flat dressed as a priest.

“I thought she was going to a fancy dress party or something and I told her I didn't want a priest in my house, just to wind her up. She got all shitty and left in a rage."

MacGowan also said that O'Connor was a hypocrite because she smoked dope - and had bought some from a friend of his the day before she split on him.

Godess O'Connor admitted that she smoked dope but denied that they rowed about the priesthood.

A L L S A I N T S B U S T U P . . .
Natalie and Nicole are embraced in sisterly rivalry —over the offer of a nude role in a new Ken Russell film.

Director Ken is a big fan of the Appleton girls, and asked if one of them would like to get their kit off in his new project. Both jumped at the opportunity.

Ken thinks it would be great fun and enjoys fantasies of the two girls fighting between themselves to get hold of the role.
He’s so keen to work with the Saintly sisters he may even rewrite the script to accommodate both.

This won’t be the first time Nic and Nat have got their kit off in a film, and know what to expect from the man who filmed Oliver Reed and Alan Bates wrestling nude for Women In Love.

Ken describes the film as an 'incestuous love story, about a rock star and his sister. It’s based on Edgar Allan Poe's classic horror 'The Fall Of The House Of

T O P 1 0 I N L O V E . . .
Channel Four recently televised the ‘Top 10 Love Songs Of All Time’.
It was a true stroke of TV genius, because it was shown during the same week as Valentine's Day! It’s a bit like when old Jesus was born on exactly the same day as Christmas day. The chances of that were 1000-1.

Top of the ‘Love’ list were the Righteous Brother’s with ‘Unchained Melody', a song sung by two clean cut men, side by side in tight velvet trousers. It’s at times like these you really realise just how twisted the minds of British lovers really are.

Let’s see what else they voted for………………

'Love Is All Around’ was in at number two, sung by a heroin addict. Whilst this song was shooting up the charts in 1994, Marti Pellow was merely ‘shooting up’, which made him feel as if ‘love’ was truly ‘all around’.

Then at number three was ‘Without You’ which was written by two members of Bad Finger who couldn’t top this massive hit, so they topped themselves instead.

At Number 6 was ‘Hello’. Written by Lionel Richie, it was a ‘touching’ song about him falling in love with a blind girl. The moving video showed the tragic end to their love affair when she accidentally walked through a fire exit whilst thinking she was opening the doors to her wardrobe.

And who could forget ‘Lady In Red’ by that singing pervert Chris De Burg. Yep her dress was red all right, but it wasn’t hers, was it Chris'! It was your Mother's! And she was your sister you sick little man.

So there you have it. Behind every love song is an awful lot of heart break folks.

O N F U C K I N G L I N E . . .

They’re all falling for it...
Phil Collins is the latest in a long line of Rock Gods to be coaxed into playing follow the Lemmings. Phil announced that he and a few of his (soon to be poor) rock pals are to create yet another On-Line Music Site.

As a long termer I would like to welcome Phil to this Music-On-Fucking-Line -sentence. Yes you are now a member of the very latest, sure fire way to lose money fast.

Naturally Phil’s www.ontourworld.com will be better than the rest because he’s got good people on board and some great ideas...Yes you’ve guessed...the same as all the others.

Content to Die For, or to, Music (that nobody wants) to download, the same old news you can get anywhere, CDs, Merchandise, Concert tickets and On-line auctions. Now that’s what I call original thinking.

I wish Phil and all existing, or would be investors all the luck in the world with their new ventures, but maybe there’s a very good reason why so many bands remain unsigned.

J U S T I M A G I N E . . .
Best thing on T.V this week was ‘John Lennon - Gimmie Some Truth’ which was screened by the BBC, (just after the snooker) on Sunday night.
It showed the making of Lennon’s ‘classic’ album ‘Imagine’.

But if ever there was a case against Yoko Ono, this was it. Poor old John must of felt as if he was still living at home with his nagging old step mum. This was a classic stuff…..

Yoko : "I think your voice needs a rest now John. I also think that new song ‘Imagine’ is just not strong enough. Maybe you should forget about it. It’s a B-side. Why don’t we go and tidy your room. Maybe some Sucky-Fucky?"

John : "Oh Christ! Who let you in here again! Look love, I’m trying to work. I’m a Genius. Haven’t you made the lads their tea yet? What am I paying you for?"

The best part of this ‘rockumentary’ is when John and Yoko hook up with Jack Nicholson at his Hollywood mansion.

Jack : "Come On John. Why don’t we get some ‘nose candy’ and some young beaver? Give Old ‘Jap’ the ‘nip’ and away we go!"

John : "No man, she’s part of me."

Jack : "Come on John, you’re always banging on about wanting some ‘peace’."

© Copyright 2004