Sorry about the delay with this weeks update we got trashed last night and forgot it was a school day. Also a message for Raz to say thanks for the Info. Can we put yours and anyone elses mind at rest and assure you there is no way of us knowing, your true identity unless you choose to reveal yourself. The whole idea of this site is for people with an involvement or interest in the music industry to freely air their views, or pass on scandalous inside information - so please continue.
W I L L Y & T I T N E Y . . .
Poor old Britney Spears. Last week I brought you the heart rending story that Prince William had stood her up because he was too busy firing his shoot gun at any young fox in the woods,
and this week she throws a wobbly because everyone still keeps going on about the size of her wobblies.
In this week's addition of Mummy, Ive got hair where there was no hair before, she once again tries to play down her boob job misery. She starts crying to the readers: "There are fans out there that really think I had my breasts enlarged, and I dont want them to get the wrong impression of me. This whole breast enlargment thing has been blown out of all proportion."
No, Britney. I think it is actually your breasts that have been blown out of all proportion.
Ckick the picture for a BIGGER PIC, or send the card.
K I N G O F T H E C A S T L E . . .
Old Tip Sheet Shister Jonathan King is desperately trying to justify his involvement with the Song for Europe after the dismal performance of Nicky French and her aptly named, lame duck of a song 'Dont play that song again - (ever)'.
Jonathan who had his wrists slapped earlier in the year for apparently trying to fix things for hopefuls SixChicks defends himself by saying: "I was brought in to raise the overall standards of Eurovision, not just the UK entry and I think if the event creates a number of successful acts and songs then Ive succeeded."
Let me understand this. You want the credit for the success of the other countries entries and what they might go on to? Arent you missing something!!! You had nothing to do with it - you prat.
D R U G S. . .
Lord, oh lord. Just when we needed a massive advert for drugs that will appeal to the under twelves, up pops good old Mikey Graham from those sugary Irish Panel Beaters Boyzone.
This week the ugly potato head mouthed off that he has indeed sampled some of the finest dope money can buy. Ive always wondered why this bog eyed freak looked so out of sorts in Boyzone publicity shots. Well, now we all know why.
Now, Im not in this profession to start making up wild accusations, but judging by his pale complexion and out of it dancing on Top of the Pops, I wouldnt be too surprised if in a couple of months it all comes out in the wash that Mickey is also one of Ireland's biggest heroin addicts. Like I say, I base my information on the facts.
However, yesterday Mickey tried to quickly back peddle, (like an Ed up 6 year old on a bicycle) and tried in vain to put out the flames of his massive Drugs Bonfire.
He told us : "The only thing Ive ever done is smoke a joint, but its no way of life, its just something I do once in a while for a giggle."
Read between the lines readers. He loves smack and crack pipes. Just take my word for it.
S T A R W A R S . . .
I knew it. Oasis will be no more by the end of the summer. Noel has now walked out on this dying donkey of a band because hed rather be changing nappies than chugging away every night with a band that now sounds a lot like Crazy Animal (who are one of Swindons finest rock experiences.)
Now its up to Liam to sail the ship alone. (Which is a bit like leaving a blind child in charge of an areoplane whilst the pilot goes on holiday.) Will they ever be the same again? Will they ever make a record a good as Supersonic ? Of course not. Theyve had it.
But, as they drift off into the sunset shouldnt we at least be thankful that they have given us one last laugh? Dont you think that Noels replacement (Matt Deighton) looks a lot like Chewbacca? Man, Id turn up just to see if his hairy fingers can copy Noel's encyclopidia of chords (ADG repeat).
Its now time for a new band to take over the mantel. Heres to you Crazy Animal.
B U B B L E S B A D H A I R D A Y . . .
Just when I thought old plastic pipe cleaner Michael Jackson was as news worthy as a box of coal, up pops a story that has all the exictment of some old over weight has been playing live in Southampton as part of the BBCs live music day.
Just listen to the desperation of this story. Michael Jackson has been banned from Londons Dorchester Hotel after an alledged incident last year when a young girl was injured. Fascinating isnt readers? Ill elaborate just to fill the page. (If a young boy had been injured then Bingo. Top of the page stuff. Shame the human in question had two fried eggs and a slot machine.)
Anyway, the story goes like this. Jacko has been barred after he apparently threw a T-shirt from his hotel window to the crowd below when he stayed last year. Whats wrong with that you may ask yourselves (if youre still reading this)? Well, a group of fans scrambled for the momento in the middle of Park Lane and a girl fan was knocked down by a car. Heartbreaking isnt it?
Well, its even more heartbreaking when the T-shirt involved was not actually Jacksons, but that of his pet chimp Bubbles who Jackson has cruelly turned into the spitting image of a young Portugese street boy with the use of exstenive cosmetic surgery. Jackson was in the middle of a new sex game called guess the object (Bubbles is blindfolded and has to guess an object without using his paws : Bubbles, is this a carrot or a cucumber?)
Lets just say Bubbles went beserk when the next object he had to guess was a red hot poker and all hell kicked off as Bubbles whipped off his T-Shirt in a desperate attempt to cool down.
Blah, Blah,Blah. Bubbles opens window to let some air in, and then throws his T-shirt out. Then a young girl gets run over. A tragic tale. The Dorchester has every right to ban this sick evil man.
G A Y D A Y S . . .
Look out for a gay avalanche coming your way. And whos driving the pink snow plough?
Well, its none other than good old one bottom, one whip Stephen Gately.
Please tell me this is a terrible joke. This man has all the talent of a bowl of porridge.
However, as soon as he hit the big time by singing and miming with a bunch of squeaky clean Irish boys (who looked as if they were doing work experience for Dixons) hes suddenly plastered everywhere. Especially this month as his new single New Beginning hits the shops on the 29th of May.
And in this months Daddy, whats this in my trousers? you get a free booklet on everything you need to know about the life and times of sperm wouldnt melt in his mouth Stephen. Its crammed full of heart rending quotes that I am once again only too happy to translate
Stephen Gately : "I feel very different from the rest of the group, but we do have a lot in common."
Translation : I feel very different from the rest of the group. Im Gay. Theyre humping every 15 year old on the tour bus, whilst Im trying to watch my Queer As Folk video collection. We do have a lot in common. We cant dance, sing, and we dont really come from Ireland. These accents are all put on to add to our appeal. Were actually from Bolton.
Stephen Gately : "We couldnt afford a fancy dress costume one year, so my Dad made me go out and pick up all the litter off the street and wear it as my costume. I attached a sign that said Keep Dublin Tidy. I couldnt believe it when I won first prize."
Translation. My Dad dressed me up to look like a right prick. I was stood in all this fucking rubbish. We were so poor that one year we had a lovely BBQ and the hot dogs were my sisters fingers. I cant believe I won that fucking stupid costume competition. I was the biggest cock in the village.
Send the card
W H A T A P A I R O F T I T S . . .
Poor old sex bomb Mel B has got a new admirer in the shape of that dribbling egg head William Hague.
This week the unlikely twosome met up at BT Ethnic Multi Cultral Awards where sex starved warlock William was pictured oggling like a pervert in a whore house at Mel Bs massive jugs.
But was William really perving at Mels two melons or was he just suffering from too much booze and lack of eye sight when he noticed her massive love cusions?
Judging by the photo he must have thought that Errol Brown and R Kelly had walked in.
P R I N C E . . .
Looks as if Prince is finally going back to being
This week as he announced: "I will go back to using my name, instead of the symbol I adopted as a means to free myself from all undesirable relationships" he told reporters, explaining that he had adopted the infamous squiggle at a time when he was in warrior mode during his legal battle with Warner music over rights to his recordings.
However, it appears that old Princey still manages to talk a load of monkey shit what ever his name is. Just listen to this wave of anal bollocks straight from his lovely little arse hole
"The price of CDs has rocketed while the quality of music has plummeted. And as long as middle men create the means by which consumers consume, this will never change. Let the baker make the bread."
Hello? I take it that you are referring to yourself as the master baker, Mr Prince?
Well, let me put it this way. I wouldn't let any baker make my bread if he hadnt come up with a decent loaf since 1986.
B O B B Y B O Y . . .
Bobby any drug will do Brown has once again ended up behind bars.
Bobby has been remanded in custardy until June 19th over allegations that he violated a probation order.
This is not the first time old shove the crack
up my crack, theyll never find it there Brown has been left handcuffed to a large cop.
In June last year Brown tested positive for cocaine...
Officer: "Is this cocaine Mr Brown?
Brown : "Yes, it is."
Officer : "Are you positive?
Brown : "Yes, Im positive it is."
And in 1996 he was arrested after his Porsche careered into a sign. He was found nearly three times over the legal alchol limit for driving. As he was led away from the car he was heard shouting at cops "Its not fair, its not fair
..I still had another bottle of brandy to open before I got to the end of the drive."
Hot Hot Hot
Our friend John Webster has fallen out with his X-Pals at the Mercury Music Prize Awards due to disagreements over the future direction of the event.
It seems Event Director Kev and his team of monkeys think they have better ideas than the man who conceived the rather dubious affair in the first place.
A number of polite official statements have been issued to the press, but are far too boring to repeat, so heres the true parting line from John "Fuck you lot - Im out of here".
On the Line
This week Rob Dickins finally falls to the allure of on-line Music madness and joins the board of Peoplesound. Why Peoplesound? Well they do have deep pockets, a full on marketing campaign and seem to be flexible, but how much longer can they go on funding a service that was once - fundamentally - no more than a expendable salary and a waste basket in the A&R office.
Peoplesound quickly realised there was little point pursuing the original plan and switched to the latest craze BnB -no not bed and breakfast, but business to business and they now hope Rob will give them a little more credibility in the elitist music shop they have as yet failed to infiltrate.
Rob on the other hand has been looking into the internet for some time and this, no doubt, will serve as a good starting point to learn how not to do things. Hes quick and should catch on fast.
Last night I got down on my knees and prayed that Andrea and Sharon Corr were safe and well after they both collapsed on set whilst filming their new video in the Mojave desert.
These two hot chicks needed hospital treatment for heat exhaustion. One Insider told me: Andrea suddenly keeled over in the midday heat and everyone rushed to her. Her manager John Huges immediately drove her to hospital. The next thing we knew Sharon had collapsed as well.
Thank the lord both these singing sex sirens are alive and well as the thought of the two of them getting all hot nbothered, and then passing out after over doing it wasnt really helping with my heart problems.
(P.S. Jim Corr also collapsed, but the film crew were less sympathetic as they just started kicking him and telling him to GET UP YOU FUCKING UGLY FOUR EYED BASTARD !!!.)
Poor old Posh Spice. This week she tells us the real reason she was late for Sir Alex Fergusons Tribute dinner. It was all the fault of the baby sitter. I think Ill let old peparami body explain.
"The reason we were late was that Brooklyn had a babysitter coming over, but once the babysitter turned up he just screamed and screamed."
Look love, hiring a male babysitter who just turns up and screams and screams is hardly wise especially when Brooklyns so young and easy to scare.
Watch out for what could be one of the worst singles of all time coming your way very soon. I dont want to say too much about it, but it involves the names Westlife, and Mariah Carey.
Sounds bad already doesnt it. But, it gets worse once you hear the news that they will soon be
covering one of the worst songs of all time. Yep, they will attempt to cruxify Phil Collins classic
Against All Odds. Lets just say itll be Against All Odds that it will be any good.
S club 7 are spear heading a new maths drive in schools by tempting pupils with a taste of pop superstardom.
In a sick marketing campaign every secondry school in the country will be sent a special S Club 7 CD featuring the band singing one verse and chorus from a track called Count On Me (Get it).
The poor little shits will then not only have to listen to their CD again and again and add a second verse with a mathmatical theme, the very best will be recorded by the little bleeders at Abbey Road studios.
Ironic that S-club 7 are doing a song about maths, when they themselves still cant understand why the number 7 is used in their name.
Looks as if this is turning out to be the mother of all weeks for poor old Liam Gallagher.
First, (as reported else where on this page) his brother ups sticks and leaves him looking like Ringo Starr in a field full of extras from Starsky and Huch, and now we find that his wife and grade A actress Pasty Kensit has been checked into a top London Clinic for depression and exhaustion. Well. All he needs now is for his album to slip out of the top 50 and his week will be complete. Oh, and there it goes!
Now, I dont want to start playing Jesus, but I cant help but feel its all to do with Karma.
Maybe if Liam had stopped shagging half the world whilst higher than a space monkey on jungle juice then maybe his wife wouldnt be the drulling vegetable she has now become.
Looks as if the All Saints film Honest is still going down as well as a limp penis in a whore house.
Their film is getting worse reviews than Home Alone 7 (Yep, youve guessed it. He gets left at home. Again!)
Just read what some old film critic in the Royal Family Daily had to say about the film :
Honest deserves to be taken seriously as a sign of the times. It is among the ugliest most amoral manifestations yet of the new laddishness that preaches to young woman the alleged virtues of crime swearing and irresponsibility.
I think this old hack has just spelt out exactly why Honest is my Film Of The Year.
Just look out for the fantasic, heart rending scene, where Nicole gets her tits out and snorts cocaine off a mirror. It has to go down as one of the most moving scenes since Disney gave us Bambi.