Well here we go again...Another week of industry madness, 1.5 million on the Girl Thing launch campaign, millions promised for On-line and high street music outlets and the ever evolving collection of ongoing ins, outs, ups and downs.
The persistent onslaught by the media on the Boys and Babes that make up popular culture will continue to disguise trivia as importance.
M O B Y 'S D I C K . . .
Worrying news reaches me of a new game that has been invented by that bog eyed freak Moby.
For a man who is forever doing a very good impression of some one who sleeps rough on a river boat, this sewage rat certainly has a canny knack for inventing perverted games. I think Ill let this sick little man explain his latest creation called Knob Touch
"It is such a good game and I encourage everybody to play it at some point in their life because its one of the funniest things you can ever do. If youre at a big celebrity party with two or three friends, you take your penis out of your pants and just walk around. No one will notice because its really crowded. You see how many celebrities you can touch with it. You just walk up and brush them. Its nothing, really. Ive never been caught."
Jesus Christ, this man certainly knows how to get a cheap thrill out of boring parties.
My uncle Reggie used the same trick at parties
. which is probably why hes serving 15 years in Brixton prison as I write.
However, can I just give Moby a word of warning. Do not attempt this trick at this years Gay Pride as you may get a some what stronger and firmer version of the game in return once youre alone in the car park.
H I D E T H E S A U S A G E . . .
Another week, another Posh Spice story. But this one isnt just any old cobblers that Ive made up to fill the page. No, those dark days have gone.
Last Tuesday I went to Manchester to do some under cover reporting, and the story Im about to tell you dear readers is going to blow your mind. This is a world exclusive that shock you to the core.
Ready? Glued to your seat? Good well, here we go. Posh Spice is pregnant. Yep. But heres the catch 22. Its not Davids! For once his free kick missed the target completely and dribbled back out of the box.
So whos the Father? Well, Im not gonna tell you straight away. But, lets just say hes got a massive 15 inch black mambo cock. Ring any bells? Its a toss between Old King Cole (wink, wink) and Itll Be All Dwight on the night (nudge, nudge). Im not saying any more till next week. Tune in and all will be revealed.
P.S It definately isnt that ugly Ginger freak Paul Scholes. Whod want to sleep with him?
Not even Mrs Scholes.
Check out the card and send us a caption. BIG PRIZE for the best entry.
K I S S 'N' T E L L. . .
At school we were always told to look up to Jesus and other fictional characters. Teachers told us we all needed a role model in life, (but come on, did Jesus ever have four way sex on the back of a speed boat? Of course not.)
Well, this week I have found a role model that every child in the world can look to for guidence and spiritual enlightenment. So who is this God like figure I hear you cry?
Well, its not Moses, or Barry Venison. No, these people are mere mortals when placed next to the lead singer of those classic rock animals Kiss. Yep, youve guessed it. His name is Gene Simmons. This man is a legend and our new found leader. And any kids out there who need any advice just read the following words of wisdom straight from the man I would love to call Daddy (and knowing my Mother that wont be too far from the truth).
So, here it is : Gene Simmons guide to the Univese
Women : When I met an attractive woman, I dont think, Gee, I wonder if shes read the latest thesis by Stephan Hawking? I think shes got great tits and I want target practice!"
Masturbation : "For me, masturbation is a poor second. But I guess if theres a time and a place when, you know, if I cant have a Pepsi, Ill have a coke."
Tattoos : "The best tatto has to be the chick who had my face tattooed on her shaven pussy. If you turned her side ways -and believe me I did, many times- it looked as though my little face was smiling".
Grunge Musicians : "I dont know about hating music, but I certainly hated some grunge musicians. I got sick of them whining People dont understand me-Im an artist.' Youre an artist? Yeah? Then paint my house, bitch."
Virgins : "At the bar yesterday, a very attractive blond came to me and said I lost my virginity to your records. My boyfriend insisted that he play your first album during sex because it was a special rite of passage. I just took one look at her body and said I bet he didnt make it past the first song.'
H O N E S T G I R L S . . .
I love the All Saints. I think every man whos never had a girlfriend does. But, this week I love them even more.
Yes, theyre beautiful, (and they look great with nothing on), but this week they have been cruelly savaged in the press just because their film Honest is the biggest Turkey ever seen since Bernard Mathews went beserk and pumped that poor animal full of cement and steroids.
Its not their fault they cant act. Its not their fault that that fat pervert Dave Stewart spent months on the soundtrack (which oddly enough involved him spending hours locked away in his attic with all the explicit scenes from the film). No, I wont have it. These girls deserve more respect.
However, seeing as they wont get it, heres the best of the Honest film reviews.
The Mirror : The one All Saint who emerges with credit is Shazney. She isnt in it.
The Sun : Even a room full of monkeys left alone with box full of crayons could come up with a better movie than this.
The Daily Mail : The film is wildly over long at 105 minutes and the 18 certificate is thoroghly deserved for its stupid use of violence, exploitive sexuality and foul language.
Daily Star : Its shit.
W E S T L I V E S . . .
Isnt it great when you have all the love and support in the world from your loving Mother?
This week the old dears who let Westlife out into the open world announced they would still love their sons even if shock horror their beloved boys were as gay as a window.
After, that lying git Stephan Gately outed himself last year (a clever trick involving a pipe cleaner and some Cod Liver Oil) Westlifes Kian Egans Mother told me this week that : "If Kian were to announce he was gay, it wouldnt change anything. It would be as God has made him. Wed always go on as God has made him. Wed go on loving him as always."
How sweet. Shame the Westlife fathers dont share the same view. Last night I spoke to Brian McFaddens dad Steve who didnt appear to share the same view of this cosmopolitan world.
Steve McFaddon told me : "I hate those F***** Poofs."
Looks as if Bryan will have remain in his gay nutshell for a little while longer.
W H A T N O C U R E . . .
I hope the split rumours that reach me this week concerning those fuzzy haired peasants The Cure arent true, because if they are, I for one will have black eye liner running down my pale face.
For months now I have been trying to grow my hair into something that resembles a scouts bonfire.
Id even gone so far as to raid my mothers make up bag, and Ive just spent the last two weeks walking around town dressed in black whilst doing a very good impression of Co-Co the Clown with a birds nest on my head. Yep, Ive become a massive Cure fan.
I dont know what it was about them that first attracted me. Maybe, it was the fact they all looked like Brian May and Anita Dobson in the middle of a hurricane. I dont know. Two years ago I DJed at my cousins wedding and sent the whole place wild with their classic anthem Lullaby.
It will be a shame if The Cure do call it a day. Yes, their new album Blood Flowers had all the beauty and melody of a broken fog horn, but at least it kept every illegal caravan site in the West Country warm and happy, as their album made fantastic camp fire material. All the best lads.
The Cure . Gone
..never to be remembered.
G L I T T E R B A L L S . . .
Man, Ive seen some horrific sights in my life. For example, the sight of my Grandmother eating a live salmon straight from her garden pond whilst stark naked and sniffing lighter fuel. Then there was the time I found out what my Uncle Reggie really meant by nude shop lifting (guess where he hid the tooth paste).
Well, this week Ive seen photos that top the lot .Yep, hes back .Gary has it got a view of the play ground? Glitter.
Youve probably seen the photos of him looking like a bald over weight dinner lady whilst living it up like a king in the ports of Spain. From the look of it hes dinning on the best food money can buy, and knocking off some 90 year old hair dresser on every luxury yacht in the harbour. (All this happens when hes not cruising around in his red Mercedes 500SEC.)
I dont want to sound bitter, but if this is the life you get to lead after being caught peddling child porn, then lead me to the cell, officer. Im riddled with the stuff!. I could do with a holiday. I bet old nappy fondler couldnt believe his luck when he found out the only place in the world he could hide away happens to be Spain who have the most relaxed laws on under age sex in the world. Its a bit like sending The Yorkshire Ripper off to the back streets of Amsterdam once he is freed.
So, Mr Glitter, may your oily knob get rammed in your disk drive whilst you go berserk over the latest Werthers Originals Advert, you sick evil man.
I N T H E P A R K . . .
Get your pink leather berets out, and your white leather thongs, because a gay o time will be hitting London this summer.
Its that time again when Erasure records come out of the closet and grown men openly play hide the sausage in front of a field full of bottoms. Yep, its that old London Mardi Gras, which hits Finsbury Park like a gay heat wave on 1st July.
And which gay icons will have every bottom pumping up and down like a queer road drill on some bent tar-mac? Well, I can now give you the full line up:
The All Saints, wholl probably be wondering why all the blokes are looking at Shazney for once. (Its because she looks like a bloke girls); Billie Piper wholl get her tits out again at a gay happening (try your backside Billie, itll go down better) and good old Dana International (looks like a woman, but is really a man. Genius!)
So, there you go. Ive already got my costume sorted - one small balloon
and I hope to see you wonderful people there, all having the time of your lives. Im sure itll be a very enlightening experience which will see us all opened up to a whole new way of viewing things
probably whilst bent double over the bonnet of a Ford Cortina.
Puff Daddy again finds himself smack bang in the middle of yet another court case this week.
The bad boy rapper is being sued for £2m by Nicole Levy, a woman who was present at a gig he organised in 1991 where over crowding resulting in nine deaths. Levy claims she has post traumatic stress disorder. This disorder is very similar to another stress related disorder called con artist.
Last night Puffy phoned me from his en suite bathroom in New Yorks YMCA. He told me passionately :
"I find it appalling that she is trying to profit from this terrible situation anyway, Im sure it wasnt as many as nine deaths. Shes making that shit up. Look Ben, if you want to have some merchandise from that terrible night I can get hold of some t-shirts which I can sell to you for $10. Shit, Ive got to go Jennifers turned up and Im fucked off my tits on crack with Mr Big. Shit!. Gotta split."
Did any of you out there see any of the BBCs Music Live Festival this week?
Sweet lord above! What a waste of time and money that was. Most of decent Britain pays £100 a year as part of the T.V licence
..and what do we get
Picture the scene: Portsmouth harbour on a cold miserable Bank Holiday Monday morning and a group of children banging on a load of old oil drums hopelessly out of time. Fantastic! Cant wait for next years musical extravaganza.
The only highlight of the entire event was a rousing rendition of Lou Reeds classic Perfect Day.
I bet old Lou was laughing all the way to the bank, after hoodwinking half of Britain into singing along to a song about the joys of sitting in a park whilst high on smack. This man is a genius, especially as he managed to sing it as if he was in a park whilst high on smack. Thank you for saving the day Lou.
If there is one man who has ASDA written all over his face, its that singing darts player Mikey Graham who found himself without the planned promotional tour of ASDA due to his yep, Ive smoked drugs outburst last week.
This week Mikey spoke to me personally about his drugs hell: "The only thing Ive done is smoke a joint, its just something I do once in a while with my mates for a giggle. However, it is not in my nature to sit back and be accused of subverting family values. This issue was a storm in a tea cup. I believe my comments were about as subversive as a sponge cake."
Dear oh dear. Once again Mikey has shot himself in the foot. Sponge Cake, as anyone whos been involved with drug trafficking will tell you, is street slang for a kilo of heroin. Also, anyone who has seen a storm in a tea cup has clearly dabbled with LSD.
Please Mikey, leave drugs alone.
Tits for charity
Looks as if Bryan Adams has more brains than I could ever of imagined. Later this month the singing penis will show us how to take photos of a load of nude celebrity babes. The new coffee table book called Haven (I think Pervert would have been better) will raise some much needed money for the Haven breast cancer foundation.
I can just see Bryan at work now
Bryan Adams: "Look, what I want to do is highlight the issue of breast cancer within society. Breasts are something I really feel for. Now, if you dont mind Naomi can I take some sexy shots of your tits?"
Naomi Campbell : "Of course you can Bryan. Fire away."
You can see the results as the book of famous tits hits the shops later this month. For the first time in my life can I just say your work Bryan is truly fantastic. But, please dont sing another note you pot holed prick.
Another week, another Bobby Brown court appearance. This week old cocaine monkey faced charges of probation violation, but instead of arguing his case, his attorneys insisted they needed another month to collect arguments for their clients case and the Judge promptly refused bail citing Browns wealth as a flight risk.
Big or Small
Im having trouble understanding what Jon Bon Jovi meant this week when he announced : Im hung like a second grader".
Does he mean hes got a knob the size of a second grader ? (which is roughly around 4-5 ft tall), or does he mean he got a cock the size of a small carrot?
You decide readers. Does he look like a huge prick, or a small dick?
Any perverts out there who want to be surrounded by a load of hyperactive 12 year olds in a park this summer make a space in your little black book for 9th July when the Princes Trust party in the park hits Hyde Park.
Hot beaver on show will include The Corrs; the All Saints and Christina Aguilera. Bet old Prince Charlie cant wait to get back stage and start talking meaningfully with any thing that moves.
Tickets for Mummy, whys that tree with a penis following me? can be obtained, but not here.
Not content with inflicting girl power in three dimensions on us the Spice Girls now want to ziga-zig-ah in two! According to reports on the net there are plans afoot for a feature-length Spice Girls cartoon. Going under the working title 'Journey into Spice' the cartoon is a science fiction spoof involving various Star Wars-style escapades that the Spicers get into.
As if that wasn't enough, Mel G has added another string to her bow by becoming a catwalk model at London Fashion Week! Cheered on by the rest of the girls and husband Jimmy G, Mel strutted her stuff for fashion designer pal Julien Macdonald in a shocking pink beaded dress and Afro wig. Stomping down the catwalk and performing her trademark bump 'n' grind breakdown, Mel wowed a crowd more used to sucked-in cheeks and blank stares. Is there nothing this lady can't do?