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Well, as usual, we've had our fair share of complaints this week, but as you would of gathered by now, it's all taken with a pinch of salt, it's all tongue in-cheek, we tease, we provoke, we're girls that want to have fun, yes girls that want to have fun!
D I R T Y O L D M A N . . . . .
With all the talk of evil perverts this summer, youd think some of them would lock themselves away in their loft conversions and play how did that get up there? with nothing more than a greased up toilet tube and a bag of conkers.
But no, it seems as if this week another Uncle Fester is out on the loose.
And which poor and helpless dumb pop animal is he after this time? Well, its good old Billie Piper. And his name?. None other than T.Vs Two from the Top and One from the Bottom Richard Whiteley.
Yep, as if poor old Billie hasnt had a tough enough year already, what with that sudden collapse in a night club (yes, her kidneys were infected
with cocaine) and of course her terrible love split with that bog eyed water rat Richie from Five.
Last night Billie telephoned me direct from her gruelling tour of the South East.
Speaking exclusively from her hotel room in Norwich, she told me
Apparently the guy from Countdown fancies me. Im a lucky girl!.
No, youre not Billie, because last night I went under cover and followed old Whitely back to his Spanish Villa (where he now lives with his Spanish wife Peedra Fillia). Once Id got access to his bedroom window, I managed to see what really goes on behind his smug I love to lick O.A.Ps faces persona.
Now, I dont want to say too much, but he definitely played a rather sinister version of his hit T.V show Countdown. (Lets just say it does rhyme with the words Count and Down, but is a very different version indeed.)
So, there you have it Billie. I love you and want you to be safe and carry on bringing my grandfathers blood pressure to the boil. (Every time youre on the telly he has a stroke.) As for you Whiteley, theres a seven letter word for you which starts with a consonant P.
S H O C K E D . . .
This next story was always going to be as predictable as Cliff Richard being a virgin, and Elton John being gay.
Yep, just as expected last week, Robbie two plums and a twig Williams and Geri Ms Piggy Halliwell have suddenly split. Eye witnesses in Spain tell me it happened at exactly 6.59 last Sunday, just as it was announced that Rock DJ had hit the top of the British charts.
Geri was left stunned (shed obviously mis-heard Robbie when he said he needed a Publicity Stunt) and by the time hed finished covering her baps in mayonnaise (no, you dirty monkeys, they were making some sandwiches for the journey home), she was crying like a vicar in a bonfire.
Robbie on the other hand was quickly out on the town with some of the biggest names in panto. (He had been due to party the night away with some of the biggest names in Porto, but due to a spelling error, he ended up hitting the high spots with Jimmy Cranky and Frank Bruno.)
This was the end of what had been a very happy and blissful week for the ex-golden couple in pop. They seemed to have been in the first pangs of love.
On Monday night Robbie got down on one knee and gave Geri a red ring, and two days later she returned the favour by giving him a golden shower
..for his new mansion.
And yesterday they were supposed to be celebrating Geris 28th birthday, until Robbie went AWOL and left their secret love nest.
If only Geri had spoken to good old Posh before she left, she could have saved herself from all the humiliation. Posh spoke to me yesterday (via the wonders of Tele text), and told any sad freak that was reading : If Robbie and Geri really are happy then Im happy, but Im always sceptical of people starting a new relationship the week their new record comes out.
I think Posh has hit the nail on the head. Remember when Mary and Joseph cashed in on their stroke of luck with Baby Jesus, by releasing their triple album: The Lord Giveth : We Taketh on Virgin records? Not only were they blessed with having the Lords son, but also by being able to find somewhere for Mary to give birth, seeing as Bethlehem is always rammed on Christmas Eve.
A R R Y O L E . . .
Ive seen some pop stars making big bucks from advertising in my time. (Michael Jackson was so popular in 1983, that he even stooped so low as to advertise suntan lotion and raked in a cool £1 million). But this week its been announced that Britney Spears is to make a further £5 million from advertising Macdonalds, Tommy Hilfiger, Polaroid and some poofs shampoo. Not a bad little earner is it readers?
As other B-list celebs try in vain to emulate her - (Kylie Minogue is currently doing a poster campaign for ASDA) - Britney still has a nice little earner burning away year after year. All she has to do to promote Macdonalds, is to record a CD with those annoying freaks N Sync which will be handed out in every one of their restaurants in America. Easy money. (What are the chances of the CD actually tasting better than their new Egg McMuffins?)
However, her promotional work for Clairol Herbal Essences shampoo has already caused great controversy in Americas mid West. During her recent tour Britney threw out free shampoo samples into the crowd. Not only did she innocently blind fifteen 10 year olds in the front row, (at least they got their hair clean) but she also attracted a massive Rasta following due to her accompanying shampoo anthem - Ive got the urge to go herbal.
And thats not all. Her new found fans will also be able to sample even more Britney goodies. Theres the Britney belly button kit (Kinky) jeans, bags, bubble gum, candles and T-shirts. All of which are bound to sell a lot better than the Gary Barlow eyeliner remover kit, which is still available at some selected branches of Woolworths.
H A P P Y X M A S . . .
Youve got to feel for that young naughty boy of rap Eminem this Christmas.
Whilst us Hills sit around drinking Strongbow from a single plastic cup and wondering what to put on the fire next (grandma or granddad?) Eninem, on the other hand is going to have to play Happy Families with a wife who tried to commit suicide, a mother whos currently suing him for £7 million and a grandmother whos described him as vile and discussing. It hardly sounds like the Partridge family does it?
But Eniney, if you do feel a bit lost this Chrimbo then you can always join me and my adopted family wholl happily give you the Xmas of a life time. The closest youll get to a Slim Shady is a special low fat slim shandy which we get in every year for my massive aunt Beryl. And, seeing as you like shootin and a lootin you can be in charge of the Christmas feast. You can shoot the pigeons from the old church roof and then loot the local primary school on the way home to bring us more presents than we could ever imagine. (Although Im still trying to work out what to do with last years seeing as I dont really have much need for a book on GCSE Science or a school girls blazer).
So, there you have it M&M. If you need us, come to the best house in the forest this December. As long as you dont call my mother a Mudder Fudder or shoot my two children Moon Unit and Sambo well have the time of our lives
F A R C I N A T I N G . . .
Dear oh dear, just when I thought those lovely Boyzone boys were as kind and caring as Mother Teresa in a flood, up they pop with a barrage of self-criticism and blasphemy, the likes of which havent been seen since the time John the Baptist had too much sherry at Robin Hoods stag night.
This week chief boozer and self proclaimed world class brick layer Shane Lynch, laid into the place that made Boyzone the biggest gay sensation of all time. Yes, he tore apart that wonderful city of rabid peasants
This wouldnt have been so bad had he not actually been in Dublin
and in front of 25,000 Dubliners, as he sang his heart out for the Irish Hopmeless Charity Give Us Yer Feking Money.
Shane stunned the Irish audience by suddenly announcing: "Id never live back here again, purely because the people are ignorant - you are arseholes. Ive never had a problem in Britain, but Irish people think they own you and can say what they like to you."
Needless to say, Shane didnt get an encore. Instead he was pelted with potatoes and cans of dried fruit (which left the whole country facing yet another famine).
However, Shane is not the only member of Boyzone to turn his back on his mother country. Ronan announced last week that Ireland was full of moaning bastards who are always bitchy, begrudging and sad. Lord, these thick coconuts definitely know how to shoot themselves in the foot! Any future golden Irish nest-eggs now seem definitely of the shamrock windows. (Ronan, I think the chances of you hosting any Irish beauty contests are now very much dead. But, then again most Irish women look like granddad Steptoe anyway, so maybe he knows what hes doing).
This whole sorry episode reminds me of the time a young unemployed Irish man called Seamus O Shea, cocked up a job interview at an Irish gold mine when he failed to properly describe a miners lamp, because hed never worked nights in a mine before.
L U C K Y B A S T A R D . . .
Looks as if wild man Liam Gallagher has finally found true love in the form of Opps my tits are out again Nicole Appleton. No, this time its serious.
Yep, Trampy telephoned me last night from his hotel room in the foot hills of Sweden (sorry, Swindon
.), where his band Oasis (remember them?) are on tour.
He told me : I am in a serious relationship with umm, that one who sings in All Saints
Nicole. I love her. Its going very well. I dont want everyone to know that on Thursday I Saw Courtney Loves Hole, and on Friday night I saw some of Rachael Hunter. In fact I saw almost all of her! Thats how rumours start.
Liam went on: Sex has brought us closer together. Literally, and claims they now want to look towards a bright future together. (Which roughly translates into As long as she keeps on playing Wheres Mr Pink eye now? Ill love her.)
However, judging by the school reports I got my hands on this week, I can reveal that he was as thick as a bag of nails before he began singing as if he was choking on a bag of nails. Yep, Liam left Manchesters Barlow RC High School in 1989, but lets just say he wasnt the sharpest tool in the box.
One report tells of a troublesome child" who had a disappointing attitude and wasted years of study. His attendance was so bad he was always ending up with an E. He was also running wild, and getting into fights.
Funny how some things never change, but somehow I doubt hes worrying about his failed Metal work exam, especially when his hammer is happily banging away on every piece of old copper piping in the work place.
Ex-Fugee star, Wyclef Jean is furious with the king of Pop, Wacko Jacko for not turning up to a recording session, " The mudder fucker, Im gonna punch his Mo Fo lights out, the man owes y'know what Im saying"
Well, actually I didnt, but Im sure the words will be used in his next record
(one time, or maybetwo time ! )
Well, I finally managed to get through to Michaels secretary ( after he had finished assembly)
he told me : " Michael is approached by many artists asking special favours, theres only so far he can stretch himself !
Hes done pretty well up to now dont you think ?
Once Bitten Twice Shy doesnt seem to be the case for show us your arry olé Britney Spears.
There was her disastrous association with Dawsons Creek which went terribly wrong when the cast voted to have her thrown off the set.
They claimed: "The girl simply couldnt act to save her life
.who does she think she is? We have all worked hard to get where we are in our profession, it takes years of training going to drama school and so on, she thinks she can simply turn up, flash her tits at the camera and get away with it!"
Well welcome to the real world Bozos, shes young, attractive, has great tits and is f**ing rich!
Anyway, seems that Britney is now set to make a cameo appearance in the cult series Buffy The Vampire Slayer.
Producer Gareth Davis is keeping tight lipped on what exactly Britney will be expected to do. However Gwen Tally, the studio co-ordinator (general dogs body to you and I) told me :
" I overheard the Director and Co-Producer talking at the bar last night
. "To be honest Pete, I dont give a monkeys what she does, as long as Sarah Geller and Britney are naked and getting it on, the ratings will go through the roof and were up for another Bafta!
Can't Wait !
Mel B has landed herself a role in a low budget (under £ 50,000) short film about the trials and tribulations of working in a fish factory.
The film, imaginatively entitled FISH is directed by Bruce Goodison, who was responsible for that crappy documentary about Mel a couple of years ago.
Mel is to play a fishwife called Angela, and to be fair, plays very well, perhaps too well! (maybe due to the fact that she would of probably played the part for real had the Spice Girls not blessed us with their Girl Power when they did).
To be perfectly honest (and I HAVE seen the trailer) It reminded me of a short Swedish film called Fish fingers I saw a couple of years ago, where this lady did an amazing trick with two eels
.no story line but great visuals
Prince of Thieves
The artist formally known as, before, after and in the meantime PRINCE, is verbally giving his support to Napster, the Internet site that openly promotes users downloading and sharing audio files ( formally known as pirating
Prince, who fell out big time with his record company a few years ago, claiming that he was getting ripped off left, right and centre, believes that the big record companies who control the Industry dont give a monkeys about the quality of music, insisting that Online distribution will put an end to the Industry exploitation cutting out the middle man and allowing artists to have greater control.
So there you go, go online, surf, download to your hearts content, its completely FREE
( well, 2p a minute off peak !)
Im going down the pub to get pissed, you never know, I might even talk to some 'real people !
Happy downloading !
Oasis were once again bottled off stage, during a performance at the Sudvest Festival in Portugal.
However, this time, drummer Alan white was actually hit by a flying missile.
Bottles and stones were being hurled at the stage by a large group of so called music fans !
A spokesperson for the band told me :
" Its outrageous, these small minded f**wits have spoilt it for everyone ! Theyve come here to get pissed up and be abusive with no regard for real music lovers "
( ring any bells Liam ? )
Fortunately we had a reporter on hand to track down the culprits, one of them told us:
"I am so sorry I hit the drummer, I dont know what came over me, my aim is usually so good ! how I missed the Singer, Ill never know "
Strangely enough, the man seemed a little bit nervous when our reporter asked him about his tattoos on his arms
"theyre Maori arent they Mr Williams ? "
The man quickly scuttled off into the VIP area where his helicopter was waiting !