June 2nd 2000

M O B Y S D I C K . . . .
Worrying news reaches me of a new game that has been invented by that ‘bog eyed’ freak Moby.

For a man who is forever doing a very good impression of some one who sleeps rough on a river boat, this ‘sewage rat’ certainly has a canny knack for inventing perverted games. I think I’ll let this sick little man explain his latest ‘creation’ called ‘Knob Touch’……

"It is such a good game and I encourage everybody to play it at some point in their life because it’s one of the funniest things you can ever do. If you’re at a big celebrity party with two or three friends, you take your penis out of your pants and just walk around.

No one will notice because it’s really crowded. You see how many celebrities you can touch with it. You just walk up and brush them. It’s nothing, really. I’ve never been caught."

Jesus Christ, this man certainly knows how to get a ‘cheap thrill’ out of boring parties.
My uncle Reggie used the same trick at parties…Childrens parties…. which is probably why he’s serving 15 years in Brixton prison as I write.

However, can I just give Moby a word of warning. Do not attempt this ‘trick’ at this years Gay Pride as you may get a some what ‘stronger’ and ‘firmer’ version of the game in return once you’re alone in the car park.