June 16th 2000

M A D A M S I N . . .
If there’s one thing I love more than a night in with nothing more than a greased toilet tube, it’s the hideous sight of a top pop celeb doing their ‘bit for charity’ whilst been paid mega bucks by some glossy mag just to pose with a poor African street child, who is so poor, that he has to use both his legs for fire fuel.

This week I can bring you an exclusive ‘under cover’ story involving that singing ‘Burger King ’ employee Martine McCutcheon. In April this year, old ‘horse face’ went to Ethiopia to do some charity work for Water Aid. (Basically Martine had to hand out loads of water to poor kids from her plush hotel room, but instead, she drank the whole lot).

However, whilst Martine posed happily with starving children, as if to say, ‘look they’re dying, but I’m here so they’ll be alright ! ’ the reason most of the poor little monkeys were looking so happy was because Martine wasn’t just handing out water, Oh No!

I know this may be hard to believe, but lets just say she was handing out blow jobs to every street urchin, in every mud hut throughout the village. Children that had never walked, were suddenly running freely from every street corner in town. Children who were once blind, could suddenly see! It was a living miracle. She was like a prostitute version of Mother Teresa. Thank the Lord a young ‘white, African street beggar, known to the locals as ‘Mr Hill’ was also suffering from a crippling disease, that needed a lot of attention.

Let’s just say, they were still trying to re-build the roof of my mud hut as I left ‘Sunny Africa’ behind. I was quite literally blown away by the whole experience. Thank you Martine, you made a lot of us ‘street children’ very happy. Next time, sod the water, the more thirsty we are, the harder thou shall blow.

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