June 30th 2000

G L A S T O N B U R Y . . A - Z

A : is for ‘Avalon’. The field where all the ‘river boat people’ sit around banging bongos and playing ‘pooh sticks'. (Not the countryside game involving twigs and a bridge, but quite literally making ‘sticks’ out of ‘poo’).

B : is for ‘Bongo’. A percussion instrument that is for ever being banged hopelessly out of time by a crustie every 30 seconds.

C : is for ‘Crustie’. Yep, they stink of shit, they rape your daughters, and they always have a rabid whippet on a string.

D : is for ‘Drugs.’ You name it you can buy it. ‘Smack’ ‘Crack’ or ‘Space Juice’ can be bought off any old Scouser or wannabe Rasta anywhere, at anytime. The festival wouldn’t be the same with out them.

E : is for ‘Ethiopia.’ By Sunday night there are starving children running around ‘all over the shop’. So starved for food that some of the little monkeys are quite literally eating their own fingers. Also, every other cock looks like Bob Geldolf in 1984, and the only thing left to eat is fucking Lentils. Hell on earth.

F : is for ‘Food.’ Take your pick. Under cooked Vegan ‘horse de la shit’ or over priced, and over cooked, ‘Conkers and Rice’. Or ‘Poo Sticks’. Take your pick from this ‘peasants Master Chef.’

G : is for ‘Green Field’. Here, you can buy potato soap and Carrot tampax.
Yep, everything here is ‘Organic, man.’ Everyone is called ‘Tarquin’ and all they do is moan about the plight of some Dolphin called ‘Flippy’ who was ‘plucked from the earth’s ocean and turned into a multi story car park.’ (If Hiter’s reading this and planning world war 3, start the carpet bombing here. E-mail us for a map.)

H : is for ‘Help.’ As in….. ‘I’ve just paid one hundred pounds for a ticket, I’ve just been shot by a Rasta, and now someone’s nicked my tent. And also, there’s a Gypsy shagging my daughter. "Someone help me please !" Welcome to Glastonbury Love.

I : is for ‘India’. As in……‘Hey, ‘Moon flower, have you seen my son ‘India’ ? He was last seen with ‘Scratchy’ in the ‘Green Field.’ They went to score a kilo of smack. I hope he’s ok……oh he’s dead. Far out ! ’

J : is for ‘Junkie’. Most likely to be found foaming at the mouth with a needle in his arm, and wearing a Levellers T-shirt. If your tent goes missing, he stole it.
If there’s a murder, he didn’t. Don’t worry, the police won’t ask any questions. They’ll just see he’s a Junkie and pick him up and dump his body in the nearest canal. Scum of the earth.

K : is for ‘Keith Allen.’ Most probably pissed, and getting up to all sorts of ‘hilarious’ japes whilst acting like a ‘lad.’ Also see ‘T’ for Twat.

L : is for ‘Lesbians’. Yep, they’re everywhere. Most likely to be found doing Yoga with a group of hairy females in the ‘Orange Field’ (to the sounds of ‘deep sea sperm whales.’) Do not try it on with any of them ! They’ll kick the shit out of you.

M : is for ‘Music.’ Yes, there’s fucking loads of the stuff. ‘African folk music with a hint of German Chamber reggae ?’ Yep, this place has got it all. Most of it is shit
( ie : the Beta Band), and you just can’t escape it. Because as soon as you get back to your tent at four in the morning, up pops a load of Crusties blowing on
their ‘penny whistles’, and banging the shit out of a load of oil drums. Also see ‘S’ for ‘shot gun’.

N : is for ‘Nuclear.’ Everyone here is against Nuclear this or that. Just agree with them that is ‘terrible’ how ‘monkeys have to work 24 hours a day’ just so we can have Nuclear power, and then just walk away.

O : is for ‘Organic’. It’s the new hippie ‘buzz word’. Everything has to be ‘Organic.’ You name it, it’s got to be made ‘by Mother earth, not by man.’ Organic petrol, Organic cement, Organic heroin. It’ll be shoved down your throat everywhere you go. "Hey, Ben, how do you know that your kebab is ‘Organic’, man ?". ‘I can tell it’s Organic ‘Sun unit’…. because it tastes like horse shit.’

P : is for ‘Peace’. Every freak in town will go on about ‘Peace, and Love, man’
But it’s very hard to get any ‘Peace’ when the little monkeys are up all night ‘bombed out of their tree’ and arguing all night about ‘who ate the last of the vegan toad in the hole.’

Q : is for ‘Queue’. Yep, you queue to get in. You queue for the lav’s, you queue for food, and then you queue to go home. It’s that simple.

R : is for ‘Rain’. Every year I pray for rain, just to wipe the smile off those smug drugged up donkeys. Glastonbury is full of ‘beauty and love’ when the sun is shining, but as soon as the storm hits town, every hippie is crying into there ‘lentil cider.’ I love it. I hope it snows next year.

S ; is for ‘Sex.’ Everyone’s is at it. (Why do you thing all those Hari Krishna’s are all tucked up by 10pm. It’s because they’re ‘humping the night away.’)
Everyone goes beserk. If some hippie invites you back to their tent for some ‘palm reading’ you know the only thing their ‘palm’ will be ‘reading’ is your ‘Crustie cock.’

T : is for ‘Trance’. As in…….. ‘Oh look , Moon Buggy's had too much smack and he’s now gone into a ‘trance.’’

U : is for ‘Understanding’. As in….."Ben, when you drove that lorry into the Samaritan tent whilst pissed out of your mind on brandy, you lacked ‘understanding.

V : is for ‘Veggie’. Every hippie there is ‘Veggie.’ So why not have some fun ?
" Ben, are you sure these ‘lamb surprise burgers’ are veggie ? ". Also see V for Virgin.

W : is for ‘Wild life.’ Glastonbury is surrounded by wildlife.
‘Oh, look Zappy, it’s a beautiful hawk. And look over there Ben, why, it’s a rare and beautiful silver haired Rabbit.’ Hippies love their sacred wildlife. So why not get your own back once the festival is over. ‘Oh, Ben ! What wonderful leaving gifts. Look Zappy. Ben’s given us all some ‘hand made feathered trousers’, and wonderful pair of ‘silver haired gloves.’ And look Moon buggy, he’s bought you a fabulous ‘bone neckless’ Thank you, Ben. You really are a true Child of nature.’

X : is for Xylophone. Don’t ask me why, but there’s always some twat playing one in the Circus tent.

Y : is for ‘Yoga.’ Basically ‘yoga’ is a crap party game, where the winner is the first one who can get their leg up their arse. However, it’s a piece of piss to hoodwink some hot hippie chick into doing ‘Yoga’ back at your tent.
Just tell her ‘nude Yoga’ is all the rage, and after half a gallon of cider she’ll soon be experiencing a brand new type of French Yoga called ‘Doggie De La Style.’

Z : is for ‘Zippo’ a young Mexican hippie who was hitch hiking back home until you gave him a lift 40 miles in the wrong direction, and then nicked his wallet as your mates kicked him out of the window whilst bombing it down the A40.


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