G L A S T O N B U R Y . . A - Z
A : is for Avalon. The field where all the river boat people sit around banging bongos and playing pooh sticks'. (Not the countryside game involving twigs and a bridge, but quite literally making sticks out of poo).
B : is for Bongo. A percussion instrument that is for ever being banged hopelessly out of time by a crustie every 30 seconds.
C : is for Crustie. Yep, they stink of shit, they rape your daughters, and they always have a rabid whippet on a string.
D : is for Drugs. You name it you can buy it. Smack Crack or Space Juice can be bought off any old Scouser or wannabe Rasta anywhere, at anytime. The festival wouldnt be the same with out them.
E : is for Ethiopia. By Sunday night there are starving children running around all over the shop. So starved for food that some of the little monkeys are quite literally eating their own fingers. Also, every other cock looks like Bob Geldolf in 1984, and the only thing left to eat is fucking Lentils. Hell on earth.
F : is for Food. Take your pick. Under cooked Vegan horse de la shit or over priced, and over cooked, Conkers and Rice. Or Poo Sticks. Take your pick from this peasants Master Chef.
G : is for Green Field. Here, you can buy potato soap and Carrot tampax.
Yep, everything here is Organic, man. Everyone is called Tarquin and all they do is moan about the plight of some Dolphin called Flippy who was plucked from the earths ocean and turned into a multi story car park. (If Hiters reading this and planning world war 3, start the carpet bombing here. E-mail us for a map.)
H : is for Help. As in .. Ive just paid one hundred pounds for a ticket, Ive just been shot by a Rasta, and now someones nicked my tent. And also, theres a Gypsy shagging my daughter. "Someone help me please !" Welcome to Glastonbury Love.
I : is for India. As in Hey, Moon flower, have you seen my son India ? He was last seen with Scratchy in the Green Field. They went to score a kilo of smack. I hope hes ok oh hes dead. Far out !
J : is for Junkie. Most likely to be found foaming at the mouth with a needle in his arm, and wearing a Levellers T-shirt. If your tent goes missing, he stole it.
If theres a murder, he didnt. Dont worry, the police wont ask any questions. Theyll just see hes a Junkie and pick him up and dump his body in the nearest canal. Scum of the earth.
K : is for Keith Allen. Most probably pissed, and getting up to all sorts of hilarious japes whilst acting like a lad. Also see T for Twat.
L : is for Lesbians. Yep, theyre everywhere. Most likely to be found doing Yoga with a group of hairy females in the Orange Field (to the sounds of deep sea sperm whales.) Do not try it on with any of them ! Theyll kick the shit out of you.
M : is for Music. Yes, theres fucking loads of the stuff. African folk music with a hint of German Chamber reggae ? Yep, this place has got it all. Most of it is shit
( ie : the Beta Band), and you just cant escape it. Because as soon as you get back to your tent at four in the morning, up pops a load of Crusties blowing on
their penny whistles, and banging the shit out of a load of oil drums. Also see S for shot gun.
N : is for Nuclear. Everyone here is against Nuclear this or that. Just agree with them that is terrible how monkeys have to work 24 hours a day just so we can have Nuclear power, and then just walk away.
O : is for Organic. Its the new hippie buzz word. Everything has to be Organic. You name it, its got to be made by Mother earth, not by man. Organic petrol, Organic cement, Organic heroin. Itll be shoved down your throat everywhere you go. "Hey, Ben, how do you know that your kebab is Organic, man ?". I can tell its Organic Sun unit . because it tastes like horse shit.
P : is for Peace. Every freak in town will go on about Peace, and Love, man
But its very hard to get any Peace when the little monkeys are up all night bombed out of their tree and arguing all night about who ate the last of the vegan toad in the hole.
Q : is for Queue. Yep, you queue to get in. You queue for the lavs, you queue for food, and then you queue to go home. Its that simple.
R : is for Rain. Every year I pray for rain, just to wipe the smile off those smug drugged up donkeys. Glastonbury is full of beauty and love when the sun is shining, but as soon as the storm hits town, every hippie is crying into there lentil cider. I love it. I hope it snows next year.
S ; is for Sex. Everyones is at it. (Why do you thing all those Hari Krishnas are all tucked up by 10pm. Its because theyre humping the night away.)
Everyone goes beserk. If some hippie invites you back to their tent for some palm reading you know the only thing their palm will be reading is your Crustie cock.
T : is for Trance. As in .. Oh look , Moon Buggy's had too much smack and hes now gone into a trance.
U : is for Understanding. As in .."Ben, when you drove that lorry into the Samaritan tent whilst pissed out of your mind on brandy, you lacked understanding.
V : is for Veggie. Every hippie there is Veggie. So why not have some fun ?
" Ben, are you sure these lamb surprise burgers are veggie ? ". Also see V for Virgin.
W : is for Wild life. Glastonbury is surrounded by wildlife.
Oh, look Zappy, its a beautiful hawk. And look over there Ben, why, its a rare and beautiful silver haired Rabbit. Hippies love their sacred wildlife. So why not get your own back once the festival is over. Oh, Ben ! What wonderful leaving gifts. Look Zappy. Bens given us all some hand made feathered trousers, and wonderful pair of silver haired gloves. And look Moon buggy, hes bought you a fabulous bone neckless Thank you, Ben. You really are a true Child of nature.
X : is for Xylophone. Dont ask me why, but theres always some twat playing one in the Circus tent.
Y : is for Yoga. Basically yoga is a crap party game, where the winner is the first one who can get their leg up their arse. However, its a piece of piss to hoodwink some hot hippie chick into doing Yoga back at your tent.
Just tell her nude Yoga is all the rage, and after half a gallon of cider shell soon be experiencing a brand new type of French Yoga called Doggie De La Style.
Z : is for Zippo a young Mexican hippie who was hitch hiking back home until you gave him a lift 40 miles in the wrong direction, and then nicked his wallet as your mates kicked him out of the window whilst bombing it down the A40.
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