July 21st 2000

S O U L S I S T E R . . .
Looking like Fatima Whitbread in a sauna, who should pop up this week like a ‘Sex Machine’ gone berserk on viagra, yes none other than the ‘father of Soul’ himself....Mr James Brown ,caught shopping in a Kent Oxfam shop.

Whilst on his way to the Essential Festival in Brighton, old ‘Snake Hips’ made some rather dubious purchases from one of those Granny Jumble Sales.

So what did he buy? Some ‘Groovy’ bell bottoms, or some ‘Funky, platform sandals? No, he bought a size 8 black dress and some golden stilettos.

Now, I don’t know about you lot out there, but the words ‘Cross Dressing, Sick Pervert’ suddenly spring to mind. (I don’t want to set tongues a’ wagging, but have you ever seen old TV-AM Chef, ‘Rusty Lee’ and James Brown in the same room together? I think NOT ! Surely something ‘queer’ is going on ! )

James Brown is the latest in a long line of celebrities who have taken to buying the clothes that starving African Children didn’t want anymore ( I think that’s the way Oxfam works isn’t it ?) Only last month, Madonna was seen buying some ‘crotch-less knickers’ (which had been donated by my Uncle Reggie after 73 years of ‘wear n’ tear’) from an Oxfam store in Hackney.

Even Mark Owen was seen buying some ‘piss stained bed linen’ only last week. (Although, I think that had more to do with financial reasons, rather than just trying to be trendy).

So there you go. Who needs Versace when you’ve got Slazenger or UMBRO.

Isn’t it good to see that underneath those massive egos there is a more humane side to those millionaire rock stars, even though sometimes they do get the wrong end of the stick, seeing as Mr Brown paid £100 for ‘everything in the window’ ( one Rubic’s cube and a box of crayons, even when there was a half price sale on )

Oh well, I’m sure all the money is going to a good cause. I’m sure the staff of Oxfam had one of the biggest piss ups of all time, once Mr Brown had hobbled out of the shop in his black skirt n’ high heels.

Apparently, James was subsequently held up at Heathrow after Security mistook him for Diana Ross!