August 11th 2000

S H O C K E D . . .
This next story was always going to be as predictable as Cliff Richard being a virgin, and Elton John being gay.

Yep, just as expected last week, Robbie ‘two plums and a twig’ Williams and Geri ‘Ms Piggy’ Halliwell have suddenly ‘split’. Eye witnesses in Spain tell me it happened at exactly 6.59 last Sunday, just as it was announced that ‘Rock DJ’ had hit the top of the British charts.

Geri was left stunned (she’d obviously mis-heard Robbie when he said he needed a ‘Publicity Stunt’) and by the time he’d finished covering her baps in mayonnaise (no, you dirty monkeys, they were making some sandwiches for the journey home), she was crying like a ‘ vicar in a bonfire.’

Robbie on the other hand was quickly out on the town with some of the biggest names in panto. (He had been due to party the night away with some of the biggest names in ‘Porto’, but due to a spelling error, he ended up hitting the high spots with Jimmy Cranky and Frank Bruno.)

This was the end of what had been a very happy and blissful week for the ex-golden couple in pop. They seemed to have been in the first pangs of love.

On Monday night Robbie got down on one knee and gave Geri a red ring, and two days later she returned the favour by giving him a golden shower…..for his new mansion.

And yesterday they were supposed to be celebrating Geri’s 28th birthday, until Robbie went ‘AWOL’ and left their secret love nest.

If only Geri had spoken to good old Posh before she left, she could have saved herself from all the humiliation. Posh spoke to me yesterday (via the wonders of Tele text), and told any sad freak that was reading : ‘If Robbie and Geri really are happy then I’m happy, but I’m always sceptical of people starting a new relationship the week their new record comes out.’

I think Posh has hit the nail on the head. Remember when Mary and Joseph cashed in on their stroke of luck with Baby Jesus, by releasing their triple album: ‘The Lord Giveth : We Taketh’ on Virgin records? Not only were they blessed with having the Lord’s son, but also by being able to find somewhere for Mary to give birth, seeing as Bethlehem is always rammed on Christmas Eve.