August 25th 2000

N I C E B O Y . . .
Looks as if Robbie ‘ I’m a serious artist’ Williams is desperately trying to clean up his ‘bad boy’ image in time for the release of his third album ‘Sing When Your Winning‘ next Monday.

Whilst acting like a good Samaritan this week by single handedly building mud huts in Mozambique, Robbie spoke to me exclusively via satellite link up (i.e. I got Terry to lend me his Sky viewing card so that I could tape the following interview from MTV).

Fighting back tears, and clinging to a small African boy, Robbie admitted ‘I’ll be the bad boy of British pop if the public wants, even though I know some bad boys and I really ain’t one of them. I’ve a reputation and used to think I was really seedy. Then I went, ‘Hang on… I’m 26 and sleep with less people than my mates’. I could be having sex every night but I’m not.’

Hello ? ‘Could be having sex every night but I’m not.’ Are these the words of an intelligent mind? Jesus Robbie, come on! Think about the rest of us!

Some of us have to make do with little more than a ‘home made woman’. Yep, only last night I was putting together my latest ‘creation’.

So, here readers, just for you is my secret recipe for a ‘DIY’ sex slave for the night…

Two pillows .
One balloon
Two handfuls of hay.
Two lumps of coal.
One carrot.
Four large legs of Lamb.
One C&A negligée

Now, admittedly ‘she’ may look an awful lot like Worsel Gummage after a horrific car crash, so, for f**k’s sake make sure you turn the lights out before you start playing ‘Sgt Sausage goes to fanny Island’! Also, make sure her ‘nose’ (or carrot) is well fastened to her face (balloon) because if you do get too carried away in the thongs of love it’s very easy to get her ‘carrot and two lumps of coal’ mixed up with your very own ‘carrot and two lumps of coal’…….. if you see what I mean.

So, there you have it Robbie. Put that young African boy down, get on the first plane back to Blighty and get as much ‘bubbling beaver’ as you can, whilst you can you lucky monkey!

P.S : No one likes a nice guy!