August 25th 2000

T O O S E X Y . . . . .
Well, well, well. It had to happen I suppose. Kylie ‘nice peaches’ Minogue has had her new video banned for being ‘too sexy’. Yep, if you thought her impression of a ‘guinea pig on a hot stove’ for her last video (Spinning Around) was bad enough, then her latest effort ‘On A Night Like This’ will have even the most remote mountain suddenly pumping out ‘hot lava’ before she’s even got to the first chorus.

And I should know, because dear Readers I have seen it. And believe me I haven’t been this turned on since that time I visited my 18 year old French Cousin ‘Petit De la Lesbian’, who was so poor she couldn’t afford hot water so we had to make do with sharing a bath of pure honey every night. That weekend changed my life!

But this week Lord Donald (head of Television watch dog ITC) announced that he has decided to ban Kylie’ s new video because ITC fear it will ‘show a side of Kylie that may offend young viewers’ and ‘…Lord Donald found it to deeply disturbing and has decided withdraw it from live television’.
(Although, due to a typing error the official ITC statement actually read: ‘The video shows Lord Donald deeply offending Kylie whilst withdrawing from young viewers on live television‘).

However, I don’t believe Kylie’s video should be banned. It does actually serve a purpose. A medical purpose, because last Tuesday I showed the video to my Grandfather ‘Ivor Biggen‘ Hill, who was tragically paralysed from the waist down after a terrible accident on the set of his last porn flick in 1974, which happened after the director yelled ‘cut’ at a crucial moment in ‘Scissors Sex 6’ . However, Ivor suddenly regained all feeling in his ‘important muscles’ once Kylie showed off her ‘bits n’ bobs’ in this classic video.

So, please don’t ban this video ITC. If it wasn’t for Kylie, Ivor wouldn’t be back ‘acting’ this week on the set of his 107th porno: ‘Doctor Dick’s Beaver Surgery’.