September 15th 2000

T W I N P E A K S . . .
Did any of you freaks out there have the advantage of watching good old Britney Spear’s ‘strip show’ on the MTV awards last week? Sweet lord above! Let’s just say there was one young sex starved monkey who was suddenly clinging on to his furniture and vomiting like a donkey, as his ‘love torpedo’ suddenly sprang into action. (If only I hadn’t been watching it with my ‘infirm’ Grandmother in her camper van, no one would of witnessed my 'five digit disco’)

But, it didn’t stop there. Britney just kept on going and going! By now, you could practically see her ‘’sherwood forest’ and ‘twin peaks’ as clear as the day she was born. (Even my Grandmother began ‘firming up’ as Britney’s strip just went on and on).

Suddenly, Granny started turning a rather nasty shade of purple, just as Britters and I started to reach our respective ‘climax’. By now, my eyes had glazed over and I'd started hyper ventilating like a ‘baboon in a tumble drier’.

But, it didn’t end there! I began to ‘fit’ and kicked the van’s gear stick, before head butting the steering wheel. Before I knew it, we were both hurtling towards the white cliffs of Dover. Thankfully, I had collapsed onto the break pedal before we had chance to ‘take off’.

Admittedly, the sight that greeted the boys in blue was never going to look good, but after they’d studied video evidence of Britney’s strip they agreed to let me off with a warning.

As for Granny? Well, she's always loved the sea.