September 15th 2000

N I C E & S E C U R E. . .
Looks as if Puff’'s ‘Bitch’ Jennifer Lopez has been tightening up her security this week. And no, I’m not talking about bars on her bedroom window.

Nope, let’s just say her body guards have really been taking their job seriously, ‘guarding’ her ‘body’ very carefully indeed. So much so, that one of her 6 ft tall gorillas even had the terrible task of spending the night with Miss Lopez, having to lay on her bed and watch soft porn with her, all night!

It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it !

All of this strange activity took place on Monday night at the premiere of her latest movie ‘The Cell’ which is a film about some ‘hot pop beaver’ stuck in prison.

However, last night when I hooked up with Jennifer at a massage parlour, (just south of Norfolk), she categorically denied anything sinister took place that night. She told me : "That Security man was with me for my own safety. I was told he had to probe me and make sure no weapons had been planted on my person.

He searched every nook and cranny. It was so reassuring to know that after my third strip search I was completely free from even the threat of nuclear weapons. It was also nice to feel his magnum poking into my thigh during the night. In the morning I asked him where it had disappeared to. He said he'd had to get rid of it because it kept going off accidentally during the night."