September 15th 2000

B A D L Y W R I T T E N S O N G S . . .
The Mercury awards were held this week, and if anyone is at all interested, some donkey who looks like a peasant with a tea cosy on his head won .

His name is ‘Badly Drawn Boy’.

Come on, do we really need another awards ceremony ? The Mercury Music Awards really are the
’Worthington Cup‘ of the music industry, aren’t they ? I mean, if they were really anything more than that, it wouldn’t be shown on C4 (so late at night, that only paedophiles and perverts are watching) and only reported in the ‘right on Julian’ Guardian.

Last year some bumbling Indian with a bongo won this ‘prestigious music award’ and look who won it this year…. ‘Swampy’ by the looks of it. And, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if some really ‘cool’ new artist wins it next year who’s called ‘Badly Written Songs’ and whose entire album is made up of sounds created by rubbing two conkers together.

That really would be worthy of any award going. (And by the way, Mr Badly Drawn Boy, if I were you, I wouldn’t go around throwing that £20,000 cheque away, as your river boat will probably need some installation come Christmas, you F**king gypsy !)

And, what is it with this band ColdPlay ? They were ‘runners up’ this year and I don’t want to come across as scrooge, but you can’t build a career around only one song, especially when you look like a bunch of geeks from University Challenge.