September 29th 2000

M E R R Y X M A S. . .
It’s not even October yet, but the race is already on for the Christmas number one spot. (Even as I write,I can hear Sir Cliff clearing his throat).

But this year readers, things are going to be slightly different. Yep, I’ve got a horrible feeling that even poor old Jesus will be crying into his log fire come this December, as this week, I can ‘exclusively’ reveal that that ‘foul mouthed little monkey’ Eminem wants to top the charts this Christmas!

Whilst some of our older readers will remember Bing Crosby singing about an idyllic ‘White Christmas’, (which he infamously sang at the Notting Hill carnival in 1961, leading to race riots) this year we’re going to be hearing young Eminem shouting about trying to kill his wife in his ‘festive single’ ‘STAN’. Hardly ‘Mistletoe and Wine’ is it?

I can just see my dear old Gran choking on her M&S mince pie, as Enimem sings his cheery Christmas message: "Shut up Bitch, I’m trying to talk. hey Slim, that’s my girlfriend screaming in the trunk. but I didn’t slit her throat, I just tied her up, see I ain’t like you ‘cos if she suffocates, she’ll die too".

Dear oh dear, perhaps if he’d been rapping about killing a ‘reindeer’ and putting it in the boot of his ‘sleigh’ he might of got away with it. (P.S. watch out for my Uncle Reggie’s Xmas Single ‘Emptying My Sacks Down Your Chimney ’ out on November the 27th).