October 6th 2000

L A R D Y S P I C E . . .
Lord, oh Lord! What has the hell has happened to Mel C? I don’t want to be too cruel, but I’ve got a nasty feeling that she’s currently suffering from a condition known in the medical profession as ‘Fat F**ker’.

Yep, at this moment in time, if I was her,
I wouldn’t sunbathe too closely to the beach, in case a group of Green Peace protesters try to roll her back into the ocean. This woman is in serious trouble, so please keep all naked flames as far away from her as possible. She could blow at any minute !

It’s an amazing turn around for a woman who used to pride her self on being a karate expert (a Lezzer in other words), and who was once fitter than a bunch of Homosexual rowers on speed. But, as our sensational picture shows, that was many pork pies ago.

Her arse is now the size of a of a bean bag display in Habitat, and her top half looks more like Frank Butcher at a Jabba the Hutt convention.

But, will she admit she has a problem ? No, of course not. She says she’s always been this size. (However, I can’t recall her looking like a ‘walking hover craft’ in 1997 ).
She even got her spokesperson to confess : "Mel goes to the gym every morning for three hours. She’s at those machines working her ass off !"

Well, I’m sorry, but even this desperate plea won’t save her as I’ve got a nasty ‘gut’ feeling that the only machines Mel has been working on are the Cadburys and Walkers Crisps ones that are conveniently placed just outside the Female changing rooms.