October 6th 2000

W O N D E R W O M A N . . .
This week ‘big hooters’ Mariah Carey announced she’s to return to the world of acting.

After getting her first hit in years (by riding on the coat tails of those dirty little Irish peasants Westlife, who incidentally, cost their record company, thousands of pounds, because, whilst on the set of the ‘Against All Odds’ video, Brian McFatty, instead of looking straight into the camera, was caught ‘gauping’ at Mariah’s bazooka’s , the scene had to be shot again and again and again!),

Anyway, Mariah announced to the world that she has decided to take on a very ‘deep and complex’ role for her latest big screen epic.Yep, the filming of ‘Wonder Woman-The Movie’, starts early next year, with good old ‘horse face’ taking the lead role.

Apparently, she’s been ‘bombarded with scripts’ ever since she finished filming her movie debut ‘All That Glitters’. ( I haven’t seen it yet, but I can exclusively tell you it’s a ‘shower of shit’).

Anyway, this isn’t the only piece of ‘Mariah news’ this week. Oh no. She’s also reported to have insured her body for £7.5 million. Lord, if her career ever did go ‘tits up’ (what a thought !) she could just throw her self in front of a lorry, and ‘bob’s yer uncle’ she’d be able to live like a Queen (minus a leg or two!).

All of which reminds me of the time I insured my wife Tina’s body just before we went mountaineering in New Zealand in 1986. Let’s just say my wife suffered a very nasty fall, but thanks to her insurance money, we were able to have steak and chips for two at The Harvester, and enough change for a taxi home!

I think what I’m trying to say is a dead Rhino has a better body than my crippled wife. Still, beggars can’t be choosers!