October 13th 2000

G R E A T B R I T N E Y . . .

It was the event I’d been waiting for ever since I was released from my day care centre ten days ago. Yep, Britney Spears finally arrived in Britain this week, and I was there to meet her.

Dressed in nothing more than a plastic mack and tights, I made sure Britney got a sight of 'Great Britain' that many young woman have seen in car parks up and down the country.

After being jumped on by her security guards (they were all over me the filthy little monkeys), Britney finally reached her plush hotel suite, whilst I spent the night at a wonderful place where you get a bucket to piss in... my ‘second home’ Brixton prison.

However, as Britney smiled at photographers and greeted well wishers ( and looked like the Virgin Mary at a book signing), I was still hard at work. I took it upon myself to do some very serious investigative 'journalism’ for our readers. And how did I get the following ‘dirt’ on the lovely Britney for you ?

Well, I simply bought a newspaper at the airport, and copied the following story. According to one tabloid, Britney went ‘berserk’ when her flight from LA to Blighty was delayed by two hours. Let’s just say she was swearing like a ‘builder in a brothel’.

And to add to this latest ‘scandal’, she was also spotted smoking and wearing a T-shirt with the slogan ‘F**k You’ printed on it. I’m just glad to see Britney is still appealing to the under fives of Britain!