December 22nd 2000

A L L I W A N T F O R C H R I S T M A S . .
At this time of year it’s great to be Charlotte Church. Every old battle-axe in Britain gets hooked on her ‘cat in a lawn mower voice’ as she sings about our beloved ‘Jesus’ and how perfect he was. It makes me sick. (Although, any one who could turn ‘water into wine’ would be handy down the Lamb and Lion some nights.)

Well, this week I popped in to see how Charlotte was enjoying her festive period. She told me: "Christmas is such an important time for me, because it gives me a chance to spend time with my family.

My auntie Frances is hilarious and has us in stitches. Then there’s my cousin Paul who’s an Elvis impersonator and he’s always doing impressions - they’re all great fun."

Sounds like a right laugh! But, any thing is better than the Christmas I will have to endure. I too have a cousin called Paul but he doesn’t do impressions of Elvis. Oh, no. By using nothing but a torch and his testicles, he does a wonderful impersonation of Mary and Joseph riding to Bethlehem by moonlight on a pink donkey that looks an awful lot like a 47-year-old male penis.

He can also make Mary and Joseph disappear into
‘The foothills of Galilee’, and I think you can guess how he does that.