January 12th 2001

G E T O R F M Y L A N D . . . .
This summer will be a time when every homeowner, (and decent up standing citizen in the west of Great Britain), will have to re-think their home security.

This is because Glastonbury has been cancelled this year, leaving thousands of ‘freaks’ to wonder freely around the Somerset country-side looking for a place where they can all get ‘bombed out of their minds’ on organic cocaine flap jacks.

Yep, prepare yourselves for a summer of hell, as every tramp who has ever lived on a riverboat with a whippet, two orphan kids and a wife from Romania, will try to find a place to hold their ‘summer solstice’. (‘Solstice’ is of course Latin for ‘mass orgy’).

I know the thought of having a garden full of naked hippie chicks all wanting sex is exciting, but the thing about hippies is they all look the same after a few glasses of ‘speed lemonade’. I soon found this out to my cost when I innocently tried to ‘bond’ with a beautiful longhaired beauty called ‘T-bone’ at Stonehenge last year.

I thought I’d lost my heart to the woman of my dreams. I felt as if she’d stolen my heart and soul. In reality he had stolen my wallet and tent. Be warned!