January 12th 2001

V I C E S Q U A D . . .
After watching the terrifying effect drugs can have on a person (I’m talking about Charlotte Church and her appalling behaviour whilst on tour with Motorhead last year), I felt the need to reproduce the ‘6 steps Narcotics Anonymous Programme’ for every one of our ‘junkie’ readers. (And, believe you me, this shit is a lot better when you’re ‘higher than a monkey that’s been nailed to the side of a space ship’).

So, here it is. (I hope Marti Pellow is taking note).

1) Admit you have a drugs problem. (Even if the only drugs problem you have is that you sent ‘Tarquin’ out to ‘score’ for you 10 months ago, and you haven’t seen the little blighter since).

2) Realise there is more to life than hard drugs. Like…um…. darts…. Well, it’s a lot cheaper.

3) Don’t buy any funny looking cakes from the ‘Shaun Ryder cake stall’ at the Moss Side village fair again this year.

4) Don’t surround yourself with people who take drugs, buy drugs and sell drugs. I think I’m talking about UB40, and not sir Cliff Richard. (Although, you never know!)

5) Don’t ever put Areosmith in charge of your local primary school ‘drugs awareness programme’. They got the wrong end of the ‘needle’ and now over 500 kids are aware of every type of drug on the market, and how to get their hands on them.

6) Never play that cruel ‘practical’ joke of leaving a huge suitcase of heroin on your tour bus and then legging it just before when the Metropolitan Police sniffer dog pays a visit. That poor animal went berserk after he sniffed up the lot, and was last seen shaking like a road drill whilst led on his back, with legs akimbo.