January 12th 2001

F R E A K S H O W. . .
It’s a terrifying thought that’s right up there with the time I burst in on my mother as she tried to replace Granny’s colostomey device with a hoover bag.

Man, it was horrific! However, not as terrifying as the thought that Billie could very well be pregnant with Chris Evan’s baby.

Yep, imagine the scene dear readers, nine months from now, as doctors try desperately in vain to dislodge the young child’s (or animal's!) massive teeth from Billie's 'fury purse'.

It will be a bit like trying to pull Buggs Bunny out of a small sock.

Then try to imagine the poor little monkey’s pain as it’s whisked away by nurses to have it’s hairy ginger back completely shaved.

However, the new ‘odd couple’ are strenuously denying the story. Old ‘carrot knob’, Chris phoned me last night to distance himself from the pregnancy rumours, and politely told me: "We haven’t slept with each other. But we are sharing the same bed and snogging each others lips off".

Well, judging by the state of the bedroom after they’d finished ‘snogging’, Billie's lips either expanded to the size of a Royal Navy life boat as it careered out of control, or Chris Evans is a lying Bastard. The choice is yours.