January 26th 2001

P E T E R M E A T F A N N Y . . . .
Virgins eh? don’t you just love them! Well, this week, the world’s most famous virgins have been ‘holed’ up in a hotel honeymoon suite for three nights in a row.

No, I’m not talking about my two 43 year old ‘virgin twins’ Malcolm and Alan, but Britney Spears and her ‘ugly donkey’ of a boy friend Justin Timberlake.

What these two ‘pillars of purity’ were getting up to in there I’ll never know, but I’ve got a pretty good feeling they weren't sat up all night discussing the rise and fall of the Third Reich.

One eyewitness told me: "I saw them arrive on Sunday night, and then didn’t see them again until Wednesday morning. I was positive they’d been playing ‘Peter Penis goes to Fanny Forest’ because I’d heard so much banging and grunting the night before, but in actual fact they’d innocently been building a self assemble IKEA kitchen table."

Why the hell Justin hasn’t gone berserk and nailed Britney to the floorboards by now is beyond me. Surely this thick ‘coconut’ must have some sexual feelings everytime he sees her dressed up like Lady Godiva. (As most sane, red-blooded males would!)

Look bucko, if you need any tips on the art of seduction, then look no further…'virgin pants!' I’d soon have you shagging like Ian Botham in a South African Whorehouse.