P E T E R M E A T F A N N Y . . . .
Virgins eh? dont you just love them! Well, this week, the worlds most famous virgins have been holed up in a hotel honeymoon suite for three nights in a row.
No, Im not talking about my two 43 year old virgin twins Malcolm and Alan, but Britney Spears and her ugly donkey of a boy friend Justin Timberlake.
What these two pillars of purity were getting up to in there Ill never know, but Ive got a pretty good feeling they weren't sat up all night discussing the rise and fall of the Third Reich.
One eyewitness told me: "I saw them arrive on Sunday night, and then didnt see them again until Wednesday morning. I was positive theyd been playing Peter Penis goes to Fanny Forest because Id heard so much banging and grunting the night before, but in actual fact theyd innocently been building a self assemble IKEA kitchen table."
Why the hell Justin hasnt gone berserk and nailed Britney to the floorboards by now is beyond me. Surely this thick coconut must have some sexual feelings everytime he sees her dressed up like Lady Godiva. (As most sane, red-blooded males would!)
Look bucko, if you need any tips on the art of seduction, then look no further 'virgin pants!' Id soon have you shagging like Ian Botham in a South African Whorehouse.