January 26th 2001

R I C H I S I N R I O . . .
If there’s a luckier ‘bog eyed donkey’ in the world, then I want to find him! because this week, that ‘grinning penis’ Richie Neville has been spotted lapping up the attentions of a couple of hot bits of ruff on a tropical beach in Rio.

Looking a lot like Adrian Mole at a Miss World Competion, I had the misfortune to watch the little monkey (from those bastards ‘Five’) attempt to get his end away with some hot beaver in the tropical sun.

Here I was, innocently trying to serve my community service by teaching young orphan boys from the back streets of Brazil how to make a life raft out of my Aunt Beryl’s huge knickers.

Richie, on the other hand, was busy rolling around in the waves with a series of beautiful hussies, like Flipper on heat! By rights, this ‘lame duck’ should be crying like a ‘dolphin in a cement mixer’, after his beloved Billie left him last month for an even bigger twat - Chris Evans.

But is Richie really that bothered? Not by the looks of it! (Then again, if I’d got rid of a lame buck toothed ‘freak of nature’ and was now having a bit of ‘ring a ding’ with a hot bit of Rio, I wouldn’t be too upset either. It’s a bit like trading Ester Ranson in for Sam Fox).

Last night I bumped into Richie in the car park of the Brazilian equilivent of the Little Chef. I asked him if he’d been busy shagging that ‘Brazilian beauty’. He told me: "I'm not saying what happened between us, a gentleman never does".

In other words, he’s still a virgin readers!