February 16th 2001

R O Y A L W I L L Y . . .
Poor old Prince William was probably crying like a ’baboon in a tumble drier’ this week, after Buckingham Palace pulled the plug on his first date with Britney Spears, due to take place on Wednesday night.

We can exclusively reveal that a table for two had already been booked for the two ‘lovebirds’ at the Harvester in Yeovil, where ‘King Willie’ was hoping to seduce the young pop vixen over a three course meal.

And, I’m sure Britney would have lapped up the chef’s ‘special menu’ that included such culinary delicacies as ‘chicken de la basket’ and a large bowl of Angel Delight. (And, not forgetting the stunning views across the restaurant car park, which include the ‘Somerset Drug Awareness Drop-In Centre at daybreak).

And, late last night a ‘palace insider’ telephoned me straight from the Queen’s bedroom. Yep, good old ‘Queenie’ had obviously been at the sherry again, as she launched an astonishing attack on her favourite Grandson.

She told me: "There’s no fucking way that little shit is going out with a fucking tart. My boy Charlie did once and he fucked it up big time. Thank god I bumped that fucking cow off when I did! It’s just a crying shame he’s now with that ugly bitch that looks alot like that winner from Crufts in 1947."