March 9th 2001

W I L D S E X . . . .
Looks as if good old ‘mutton dressed as lamb’ Madonna certainly knows how to keep Guy Richie entertained in bed. And no, she doesn’t do it by with magic tricks and leaping through hoops of fire. She does it by using banana flavoured body lotion, handcuffs, a vibrating bed, and kinky ‘Tarzan and Jane’ outfits!

Yep, apparently last month Mads ‘kidnapped’ Guy and whisked him off to a cheap hotel in LA where she instantly whipped out the lotion and had wild ‘jungle sex’ with him.

This was just the kind of sexual stimulation my mind needed! because before long I too was tying up my beloved Tina, whilst blind folding her and whisking her off to the local YMCA.

To be honest readers, I couldn’t really afford the ‘erotic banana flavoured body lotion’, so we had to make do with my ‘Slazenger Sports Shower Gel’, which wasn’t quite the ‘magic lotion’ I’d been hoping for. (Especially as it brought Tina out in a nasty rash).

To make matters worse, the local fancy dress shop had run out of Tarzan and Jane costumes, so we had to make do with Co-co the clown and a Winnie the Pooh.

Needless to say, it was a complete disaster, and I suspect Mr and Mrs Madonna had a much better time, as I had my head stuck in ‘poo’ most of the night.