March 9th 2001

P O P F R E A K . . .
Looking a lot like my Grandad did the day he hobbled back from the beaches of Dunkirk, I was glad to see good old Michael Jackson can still raise a laugh this week.

There he was at Heathrow, dressed in make-up and staggering around complaining about his wonky crutch…. Just like my Granddad was when he touched down on British soil wearing women’s make-up and with two prostitutes on each arm.

He must have been the only member of the British army who wanted to go back to Dunkirk! Apparently he’d spent the majority of his time there lying on his back whilst pissed out of his mind and playing darts. (He was a Sgt Major).

However, Jacko was in Britain for a very serious reason. He wanted to spread his message of ‘deep love to children all over the world’. (Which is a bit like Bernard Matthews proclaiming his love for turkeys).

In a moving speech to the Oxford Union, Jacko told a packed audience: "I wanted, more than anything in the world, to be a 'typical little boy', to run and play with other boys..... sadly it wasn’t until much later in life that I was able to relive my dreams… cost me a lot of money, but well worth it!"