March 16th 2001

E T E R N A L I G H T . .
They sing and look like ‘Virgins on heat’, and are tipped to be the next big thing.

Yep, not since a group of five young singers were manufactured and turned into the huge teenage phenomen that was the ‘Flying Pickets’, has there been such a buzz about a bunch of tarts! The only problem is that they're about as sexy as a huge turd in a bin liner.

That’s because they’re a bunch of nuns! However, these are no ordinary nuns, these nuns play ‘hard rock’, (even at the age of 70!), and call themselves ‘The Canonesses of the Holy Sepulchre’ (catchy eh?). Well, late last night I decided to track the band down at their home, ‘The New Hall Priory’ in Chelmsford.

Dressed up like Friar Tuck at a Bell Ringers Convention, I easily managed to outwit the guard dog with a special Ninja technique called: ‘shooting the canine’. And, before I knew it, I was drinking from their ‘holy waters of tranquillity’. (Yep, I’d found their bidet!) I then got the old biddies out of bed with a few rounds of machine gun fire, and it wasn’t long before we were all living the ‘crazy’ rock‘n’roll life style!

I tell you, their new album ‘Eternal Light’ makes MotorHead look like Bananarama, and I can now reveal, the real reason Mother Teresa died was because she O.D.’d at their infamous, end of tour party in ’97……..Rock on Tommy!