Lord above, I am glad that one man is making a come back this year. He is a man, who for me, is up there with Moses. Yep, his name is David Lee Roth. Not only is he back recording with one of the greatest bands of all time Van Halen, but this week he has announced he is organising a beauty contest. Lee Roth wants any Îglamour queensâ ( not you mother !) to send in photos ( full length ! ) to his web site www.slawterhouse.com He only wants Îparty girls with damaged lives and tangled destiniesââ and Iâve got a funny feeling Charlotte Church will not be entering. Sob, Sob. Teacher <sir_Henry@excite.com> Salisbury, UK - Good news for any of you chicks out there who want to look like a Sheffield Bar Maid, because Christina Aguilera is to launch her own cosmetics range by the end of the year. So if any of you little tarts want to look like Danny Le Rue in Panto, then get your filthy little mitts on her wide range of lip sticks, hair gel, and perfumes. Thanks to Christina, you can now transform yourself from an ÎUgly Ducklingâ into ÎCo Co The Clownâ after only a few hours in the bathroom. Andy Powers <Andy_P@virgin.net> London, UK - Poor little Ronan has been sent death threats to his house, I 'm sorry Ronan, it was mean't for Stephan, please can you pass it on! Matron <miss_whiplash@hotmail.com> BATH, UK - Anyone out there who needs some Îdrug dieting tipsâ ? Well, hereâs good old Charlie Îstill alive, although I look deadâ Watts with a handy hint when dabbling in speed : ÎI used to live on biscuits when I was on speed. I never used to eat for three days, or sleep, and then Iâd eat a whole packet of digestive biscuits.â And, judging by the size of Mel C last weekend, I think she could do with your advise as she seems to eat biscuits for three days and then plough through a packet of speed. Someone should get Îporkyâ back on track. Anthony Davis <Ant_dek06@hotmail.com> Bristol, UK - Looks as if Claire from Steps has been up to a bit of DIY. This week she told me : ÎI tried to decorate a wooden toilet seat the other day, but made such a mess that I had to throw it away.â Perhaps if you hadnât decided to spay it with your very own shit, then maybe we could of all marvelled at your latest talent. However, you have just proved that as much shit comes from your arse as it does from your mouth when you attempt to sing. You are quite literally full of shit. Mr ugly <mr_ugly@virginnet.co.uk> london, UK - Just when I thought that Posh Spice and that bloody baby were at last out of the news up pops a story about the little nipperâs Îstate of the artâ bedroom. Apparently, sheâs forked out £20,000 on Îspace ageâ lights and an elaborate Îstars at nightâ ceiling design. Now, every time little Brooklyn wakes up, heâll think heâs staring out into a great big ÎGalaxyâ. Thereâs also, giant, life size paintings of all his Îfavouriteâ Disney characters to freak the brat out even more! (As if he didnât have enough to put up with having to witness Posh first thing in the morning. ) Well, Iâm never one to let my two boys, Leroy and Delroy down. So, if Brooklyn can have a ÎFuturistic bedroomâ then so can my two (adopted) sons! "Daddy, we want to see the stars from our bunk beds" .!. After removing the roof, not only could they see the stars, but so could I, from every fucking room in the house !. But, what about the state of the art lighting ? well, as luck would have it, we still had some indoor fire works left over from last November, and I found some fairy lights in the loft. If only you could of seen the look on their faces, they were suddenly living in a Îworld of make believe.â Admittedly, I let then down with my Disney paintings. (I didnât know ÎBambiâ was a Îdeerâ and not a ÎGorillaâ), but they seemed pleased enough with the Înewâ Disney cartoon characters Iâd drawn. ÎPeter the Ratâ and ÎSharon the batâ. All in all, I think their room was a victory for the everyday family. The only difference between us and Posh is that sheâs got loads of money and a skinny body. Iâm off to put the kids to bed. Night, night. Spicey <saffron02@excite.com> Leeds, UK - Brave Martine McCrutchen put on a brave face during the whole Îpaedophile in the parkâ fiasco. Earlier in the week her boyfriend had been charged with a conspiracy to smuggle drugs, and old poodle head had to fork out £75,000 to bail him out! Apparently the cops became suspicious when they searched Martineâs bags at Heathrow and found 100 bottles of Îdog shampooâ that had a very special kind of ingredient, in the form of Îpure heroinâ. Doc <doctor_spock02@hotmail.com> Liverpool, UK - Just when I needed a clear voice of honesty and reason in my life up pops good old ÎLezzer on a stickâ Sinead O Conner. This week she announced ÎI smoke weed, and I masturbate. I donât do both at the same time.â If you did Sinead, it would be the first and only time I could possibly call you a Îred hot beaverâ Peter <pete.angel@heaven.co.uk> Sheffield, UK - Ref: insiders 'Party In The Park' review. How sad that BonJovi was unable to get on stage due to the security not recognising them. Admittedly he did look very much like a crusty traveller whoâd got lost on the way back from ÎDonnington 87â, so you can understand where the confusion came from. Jon Bon Jovi later blew his top. After which he put his cock away, feeling a lot better. Rock nâ Roll !. Big Ed <ed@filthy.com> Essex, UK - Not content with being ÎWorld Ambassador for Tartsâ . Old ÎGinger bitsâ Geri Haliwell did her bit for Îwildlifeâ when she saved a Pigeon that had become trapped in some posh clothes shop this week. Talk about one helpless animal helping another dumb creature ! Good old Geri instantly de-feathered the animal and gave it Îbeak to mouthâ after the poor little Îflying ratâ had become trapped in a window display. (See, underneath her tits beats a heart of gold! ) I was only too happy to take the poor little creature to the BBC studioâs to hand it over to Rolf Harris, who was busy filming his latest series of ÎAnimal Hospital.â However, behind the scenes I have to admit Rolf is not the Îhappy go lucky wobble boarding Australian singing sensationâ that he portrays to his adoring public. No, itâs my sad duty to report that under this mask is a far more sinister man, who is a paranoid control freak and will do anything to make sure his show will always remain a sure fire ratings winner. As I searched the car park for Rolf, I suddenly overheard the following conversation that I am only too happy to relay to you, my dear readers, as I believe the public has a right to know the horrific truth about his sick show and the evil little man himself Producer : ÎLook Rolf, there just arenât enough injured animals to complete the series. Weâve been scraping the barrel as it is, with that rabbit with a sore throat.â Rolf : ÎNow look here, this series must work ! Iâm fucked without it. I didnât wanna say this, but I think itâs time we used my idea of creating Îinjured animalsâ We need a big story thatâs gonna have those weeping pomâs on the edge of their fucking seats every week. Thatâs why at midnight tonight, Iâve arranged to run a horse over in my Range Rover. Donât worry, Iâve set it all up, Iâve got a banaclava, and Iâm just gonna plough straight through him, dump the dumb animal on the back of Shaneâs van, and bingo. Iâll get my brother to bring it into the studio next week. Bobâs yer fucking uncle, weâve got a rating winner ! Deep.Insider <deep.Insider@virgin.net> London, UK - STOP SENDING OUT YOUR SHITTY SPAM.WE DIDN'T ASK TO BE ON YOUR LIST . nameless - Any perverts out there who want to be surrounded by a load of hyperactive 12 year olds in a park this summer make a space in your Îlittle black bookâ for July the 9th when the Princes Trust Îparty in the parkâ hits Hyde Park. Hot beaver on show will include The Corrs and the All saints and Christina Aguilera. Bet old Prince Charlie canât wait to get back stage and start Îfucking the arseâ off any thing that moves. Tickets for ÎMummy, whyâs that tree with a penis following me ?â can be obtained on 024870 7300958. Edward LONDON, UK - Sad news for the ever-chirpy Sara Cox. She's split with her fiance, Leeroy Thornhill, former member of the Prodigy who she planned to marry this year. Sara's Prodigy pick-up was big news when first discovered and there were even reports of a double wedding with best mate, Zoe Ball and Norman Cook a.k.a. Fatboy Slim. Sara's new-found success as presenter of Radio 1's Breakfast Show after replacing Zoe and it's been suggested the split was down to the pressure of the job. Leeroy too has ventured into pastures new after recently leaving the Prodigy to work on solo projects. There's been no love lost between the couple after three years together, but they felt it was better to part while they were still friends. Sara said "Both of our lives have changed a great deal since we first met. We're just really relieved that we have finished it before we finished each other." Keith Manchester, UK - Steps have been verbally slapped around by arch-enemies Belle & Sebastian, who've suggested their music is a tragedy! The Scottish indie band restarted the feud that has been running since Belle & Sebastian won the 1999 Best Newcomer Brit Award ahead of Steps. The low-key indie group's win was put down to a semi-dubious mobilisation of their loyal fan-base which, it was claimed, robbed Steps of their rightful trophy. B rarely speak to the media, but at a recent press conference hit out at Steps, calling them"freaks" and adding: "they're like a strange holiday camp group." However B gave H and the gang credit for their 'happy campers' pastiche, and admitted that: "they do sell a zillion times more records than us, so good for them". Cowie London, UK - Hideous primate Brown escapes from Drayton Manor zoo Police are on the look out for the half monkee, half human, beast Ian Brown, after he escaped yesterday from a secure cage at Drayton Manor park and zoo in Tamworth, near Birmingham, UK. Zoos keepers believe Brown exploded into a violent Incredible Hulk like rage on the arrival of local touring sensation Michael Savage and his shit musical group, Untalented R Us for a gig at the social club. The Beast Of Brown is thought to be making his way across country into central Birmingham to ransack local record store HMV who have refused to stock his latest single, "When Dolphins Were Monkees" in favour of Savage's cover of "My Old Man's A Dustman". Security at the Birmingham store are on full alert to ward off this unwelcome intruder. A Drayton Manor representative, Mr R Sole, who has been The Beast of Brown's keeper since he arrived at the zoo after escaping from the set of Planet Of The Apes 20 years ago, commented: "Ian is just lonely. Out there on the run he may try and seek the warm companionship of the opposite sex which may be a frightening experience for those concerned." Police have stepped up their guard, advising potential mates Scary Spice Mel B/C/D/E/F/G, Carol Vorderman and singer/actor Jimmy Nail to reject any sexual advances from the Beast. In Buckinghamshire, early reports are reaching us that arch rival Noel Gallagher is also under threat. The Oasis star has stepped up security with the aid of a pack of vicious wolfhounds which include his brother Liam and Mirror columnist Matthew Wright. We will bring you further news when we have it. Ade <ade_benno@hotmail.com> Watford, UK - "What is love.... What is love....Don't hurt me...Don't hurt me". Iâve had a similar problem working this one out, so asked a couple of friends at Oxford to help. Iâm not sure this is conclusive, but we think it has something to do with the writers state of mind after being lustfully involved with one of those odd girly things. ãWhat is loveä could have be the response to the question Do you love meä whilst (in his mind) he was having a quick bang. Don't hurt meä is probably what he screams as he gets abuse for getting the answer to the question wrong. Marshal Minx Swindon, UK - I heard a song with brilliant lyrics, "What is love.... What is love....Don't hurt me... Don't hurt me". All I know is that a very popular black guy sang it. Me and a couple of my friends spent days trying to fathom these extremely deep meaning lyrics. Finally we gave up! Another song with a particularly catchy line is "Hit me baby one more time..". I am pretty sure it's by Bitme Speers. As usual we spent days and months appreciating it until one of the guys killed himself, 'cos he was too affected by the sheer brilliance and simplicity, yet amazing depth of the lyrics. Can somebody help us with the problem I had stated in the first para. :O) Huck Huck Delhi, India - Billie - 'the singing horse' - Piper and her new 'single' eh?....just as the 'divas' in pop are finally expiring along with whitney's coke supply - leading to reported 'invisible piano playing' during interviews by the bodygaurdette, little Miss.Piper decides that its her turn to relish in the free drugs and guns that R'n'B can offer. She says that she is just doing what comes naturally but she forgot that some walls have ears...silly billie....A little chap wearing makeup who could've been one of the dancers in her latest 'underage teensex vid' has been shouting his mouth of in one of Londons' most exclusive wine bars (god knows how he got in there... hold on....its that shithead from 5ive). Story goes that she is getting increasingly pissed off with ongoing questions about her threat to Titney's throne (whatever 'throne' that is..)Our 5ive friend slurred that he wanted to "straighten a few things up" (we all thought Piper would do that for him!)anyway, here goes straight from the horse's boyfriend's mouth: 1.Rumours about a staged fight between them are absoloutely untrue and have no substance other than that both of them have recently started kickboxing..... 2.Titney's music sounds nothing like Horsie's if you take out the melody,rythmn,vocals and drums...... 3.There is no way that the Billie is likely to undergo extensive plastic surgery to enlarge her YOUNG NUBILE PERT BREASTS (that woke you up). The reason cited for this is that if she did get them enlarged, she would not be able to "fit into the schoolgirls costume she is due to wear in her next 'underage teensex vid'" hmmmmmmn......... All of the above will no doubt be (dis)proved in due course. FP fat produce surrey, england - Hanson are following in the footsteps of David Bowie by introducing a subscriber-based network, which includes internet access, personalised e-mail addresses and daily bulletins. It is being launched on Thursday at www.hanson.net but the service comes at a price. Fans will have to pay $14.95 (£9.30) a month for the privilege and if they want a chance to chat with the band it will cost them an additional $6.95 (£4.30). PLEASE DONâT DO IT.....SHOOT THE LITTLR FUCKERS !!! Sadman London, UK - My sister Britney has come to the rescue of our piss poor family by giving us $1 million to pay off our debts and me a job as bodyguard. The cash is a great relief for my parents who gave up their lives during Titneys childhood in order to support her tantrums to become a star, not to mention the Breast job. My family went bankrupt in July 1998 just a few weeks before Britney's debut single 'Baby One More Time' became a megga hit. Thanks Brit Bryan <bry@brit.con> US - My barking friend - Abba star Agnetha Faltskog - is threatening a solo comeback at the age of 49. The singer heard voices whilst yogic flying which told her to return to the studios and make a single. This will be her first recording since her solo album I Stand Alone in 1987. She is also said to be working on an album to be released later this year, Staffan Stockholm., Sweden - Look out for Element, a new unsigned act pitched to be the next Chemical Brothers. They've got residencies at Home on Thursdays (Highrise) and at Mass-next one on March 24. These guys really set the crowd on fire last time they played. Bizzy London, UK - Once upon a time...there was a little boy...and he dreamed of taking every corporate stiff and attorney...to the moon. Then he would fly back...without them... Love, Chard Chard Annapolis, usa - Jesus Christ! It can't be that bad can it? What the hell was Geri Halibut doing between those huge open legs like some stunted ginger pubic hair dancing like one of your mum's mates trying to seduce you at a wedding? I saw her with Ant and Dec ( quality program ) the next day and she was making that poor-bastard dog dance by holding its arms up and shaking it, I mean what the fuck is going on? And Travshits getting best band, who votes for this bollix? Thousands of fifteen year old kids so engorged on Britney-pop they think because a band's got a guitar in it they're quite ' experimental ' and ' way-out ', that's who. Bastards. Tim Box, - AQUA, whose new album Aquarius has just been released, had an interesting point to make when on Top Of The Pops. "All Scandinavian groups begin with the letter A - Aqua, Abba, Ace of Base and A-ha," said Claus. "We think the British Charts are done in alphabetical order!" Hans Stockholm, Sweden - IT seems Christina Aguilera isn’t getting enough pork in the mornings and from her appearance on The Big Breakfast this week it looks like she wants a bit of Bacon for brekkie from roving reporter Richard Bacon. An insider said: "They have swapped numbers and he is hoping to go to America to get intimate. They were clearly interested in each other." Seems that what this girl wants she gets. Billy Swindon, UK - Hello from LuxuriaMusic. Luxuria is a new website that broadcasts music 24/7. The music is programmed by myself (I was a Music Consultant on PULP FICTION) and The Millionaire (formerly of COMBUSTIBLE EDISON). Please stop by, and say hello in the chatroom. Sincerely Chuck Kelley www.luxuriamusic.com Chuck Kelley <chuck.kelley@luxuriamusic.com> Santa Monica, USA - OUT WITH THE NEW From the farmyards of Somerset news reaches me of what could possibly be the show stopping musical event at this year’s Glastonbury festival. Yep, you’ve guessed it - David Bowie and Paul McCartney are due to headline the main stage on Saturday night, because Michael can’t find any new bands to play. Look for a sign of awkwardness from McCartney (and a large smile from Bowie) as they both sing ‘ I wanna be your man’. Tommy Oxford, UK - UNDER FIVES Don’t look now, but those under fives favourites Steps look like heading for a new ‘Sexy’ image due to resent shots of them in lycra out fits and ‘animal style make up’. Don’t worry lads I’ve seen the photos and the chicks look hot. It’s the blokes I feel sorry for. Poor old ‘Hot dog’ H looks as if he’s been invited to a children’s face painting workshop at London Zoo, and on the way home his parents car collided with a lorry full of kitchen lino. Lee don’t look too hot either. He looks as if he’s at a ‘Sports Shoe’ staff party, where the theme is ‘dress like a twat.’ Oh well, at least the under twelves have something to look up to, and every homosexual in Britain to bend over to. Tommy Oxford, UK - I'm a student, I have nothing better to do than watch Richard and Judy. Flourella England - V-Good pont, but what were you doing watching RICHARD & JUDY Bono UK - Someone really should forcibly prevent Richard & Judy et al from making any kind of judgement about music today. Did anyone else see their little piece about the Brit Awards the other morning? Was anyone else very close to throwing something large and blunt at the TV, but then realised they wouldnt be able to watch Eastenders, so it wouldn't really be worth it? They decided to analyse the nominees for Best Female Solo Artist, and all agreed that Beverley Knight and Gabrielle (Gabrielle?!?!) were worthy of this nomination, but couldn't understand why Beth Orton had been. They rationalised that Beverley and Gabrielle write and sing their own material, so what on earth is Beth doing there? I really think they need to learn the meaning of the word Research. Grr. Beth Orton is a talented musician who produces enjoyable and meaningful music, without going near that most detestable of genres, r'n'b. She is about 20 times the singer and songwriter that the others are put together, and it's about time she got some recognition. Oh and don't get me started on how much I'm going to hate the Americanised film version of Alex Garland's "The Beach".. Leonardo diCaprio really should fuck off. Gosh I'm feeling vitriolic today. Flourella England - Puff Daddy - AKA Puffy Coombes What a fucking dick, if somebody doesnt shoot him or his so called "home boys" very soon, i am going to get a plane ticket to America and kneecap the fucker. He cant rap, he dances like he`s trying to shake a turtles head out of his underpants and he speaks like he`s just cained ten grams of crack through his arse. what a twat. p.s. he also wheres this fuck off big chunk of platinum,silver,diamonds and gold around his neck which he desingned himself (i can feel my trigger finger itchin) thats looks like a large blob a solder that i used to make in electronics at school. guess what it`s meant to be...you fuckin guessed it...the holy mary and her fucking son...you twat...this hard core geezer gettin his hoochy playin dice on street corners smokin fools and chumps popping caps in coppers arses and selling rocks in the ghettos, spends his sunday afternoons designing jewelery of the holy mother. what a twat.he must be mamed, lamed whatever it takes. Pubic Mother Leeds, England - Dan thank's for the article, a tad long for this page, so I moved it onto the main INSDERSVIEWS page under the heading D A N C E - L I K E - N O B O D Y'S - W A T C H I N G. Love it please call again. Retro Retro Pyramid, UK - Alanis Morisette what is it? Yes you heard me correct. What is it? I am not saying she is a devil but she certinly is a lesbian. How could anyone who sings songs about men in the fashion she does be expected not to like woman. This is quick. Neil Wolst Spring Valley, US - The inside thighs of Britney Spears...and other such success formulas ! Music has come to a head. And it's mine. Britney has been coming to my head every night before I sleep and man it's been absolutely wonderful. Such profound and yet basic muscial gratification has been a constant companion ever since I learnt hand co-ordination. To my surprise the next morning I never ever have a sore 'head'. Other good musical successes have also been playing on my head ...the likes of Mariah Carey, Spice Girls (sorry..but I am like this only!) etc. etc. "Put your head to it, and you can accomplish anything"..that's all I'd like to say to the wonderful talent that is popping up oh..so often. Huck Finn says headbye! Huck Finn - Liam...Thanks for your kind words, concern and vote of confidence. Should we take it you don’t want to subscribe ? Your website should be BANNED FOR ITS STUPIDITY AND ITS IGNORANCE... You don't seem to have much to do in your life, hey?? Critisizing everybody, slagging off bands, people in general...Who are you to act like that???? A bunch of wankers sitting in front of your precious computer... Your site is pointless, and a complete waste of time... At least show a bit of courage and publish this letter on your website... I have pity for you all... Liam the Walrus - Neil...It’s OK, you can keep your trousers. As with any other danger that modern living brings, we’re all potential victims / stars of the media circus. This is true regardless of what we do, or where we’re from - The exploitation of Law is no exception. The demands of this global show (life) and todays society insists the cast and events play live to the public. There’s a positive side to everything, if you choose to use it. Moris Dancer Pyramid, UK - Not a joke, or anything intresting, but promise me after you read this you won't sue me. People nowadays so the trousers of each other. We have become so "PC" that we are getting further away from that itself. If I went on the radio and gave my oppinion people could sue me for that? YES! Why? Because I hurt their feelings. The sounds of radio and images of TV are few things when you look at the WHOLE world. If someone can sue me for saying that I hate "dogs with black spots" on the radio, I think I should be able to sue for people not smiling. This is recockulous. Am I the only one who feel's this way? Over here we have a baseball player who said that he thinks New York is trashy and there are plenty of gay people in an interview. People thought that he should be fired since he is a role model. If he said that before he was hired for Baseball do you think they would let him in? Hella no. Is'nt that discrimination.WHO THE HELL CARES WHAT HE THINKS? The people who asked this question expected an anwser they did not get. They asked him a question and he anwsered. Morons! Soon we will have to wear the same thing all the time and anwser to one person to make sure we are all "happy." Sound familiar? Anyway I would love to here what you think so email me just don't offend me or I will sue. Neil Wolst San Diego, US - Glad to see that Britney Doll is alive and 'lapping it up' at least, I presume she's the the thirsty one? Sinead is looking damn good at the moment if you don't mind me saying! 'divine inspiration' I'd say...which reminds me of a joke I saw on some site a few days ago.........2 nuns riding their bikes in rome, and get lost down a back street. After 5 minutes one says, "I don't think I've come this way before", the other says "It must be the cobbles!" deep.Insider <deep.insider@virginnet.co.uk> LONDON , UK - Robbie Williams has decided to publish a book of his cheeky chap poems latter this year. The poems mainly crap also reflect the pressures of fame and fortune and include the famous “Hello Sir” This this version is from an old friend of his. Hello Bob...Remember me ? I’m the friend you no longer see. The one you dismissed when you found your fame, through that faithless bid to build your name. Well now you’re there, as the full time spy, You can’t say who you are, because your life’s a lie. You’re in their hands, they’ve let you in, when the fame dies down you’ll kill to win. That’s right your name is Bob. The one who landed the James Bond job. GB LONDON, UK - What do you call a Russian prostitute?... Onya Backyabitch donated by..Canary canary London, , UK - Sorry all Brit Dolls have gone...Try making your own. Retro <retro@insiders.co.uk> Pryamid City, UK - Insider Names......... so how many insider names can you all think of..."havit.insider@hotbot.com"..."deep".."wantit".."shuvit".."mustbe"..."isit"..."lostit".......Answers on a postcard PS.....cool site you crazy kids! PPS....how can I get myself a Britney doll? wishiwas_insider <deep.insider@virginnet.co.uk> London, UK - A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. I'm sorry, says the pharmacist, we don't have any. "But I always get it here", says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant". The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom". Lord Justice BRISTOL, UK - A gorgeous redhead walks up to the crap table and announces, "I want to bet $5,000 on a single role.  OK?" The boss looks up to management and gets the OK. The redhead puts $5,000 down on the table and says, "Match it." The table boss places $5,000 down next to it and hands the girl the dice. She states, "This is a lot of money.  I want to make myself comfortable."  She then proceeds to undress.  She folds all of her clothes neatly and places them on the side of the table. When at last her panties and bra are on the pile she screams, "Come to mama!" and throws the dice. She screams, "I won! I won!" grabs her clothes, the money, the dice, and runs out. The Boss looks at his assistant and asks, "Was it a 7 or a 11?" Confused, the assistant replies, "Who was looking at the dice?" JennyPenny New York, USA - Major record labels are all about making money, whether its by producing mass appeal pop groups such as Steps or S Club 7 or by supporting bands like Blur who are 'creative' but still big enough sellers to make huge profits on. The problem will only get worse as these majors are taken over by larger companies (Microsoft's recent interest) or they merge to form even larger firms (Universal and Polygram last year). Untill 'real' bands start making enough noise to outsell the boyzone's of this world the majors will not take notice and will not support them as they will see no point in doing so. big kahuna - Having been released for prison after serving two months of a four month sentence Gary Glitter is planing a holiday to Florida to get over his ordeal. Although unconfirmed it is rumored he is off to Tampa with the kids. Clandogh the might Wizard of old UK - What's the problem...Tip-Top Record Company executives have been replaced with bankers and business types from a host of non-related industries and their only concern is their share holders. Star man - Let’s not slag off the current Pop artists, but have a go at the people responsible for what Pop is becoming. The music industry machine is now so heavily greased with sloppy executive lubricant that what it was all about in the early days (music) has all but disappeared. True, even in the beginning it was about making money and there has always been a slick production line churning out Pap to please and direct the masses, but never before has there been such a lack of genuine vision. Why is this ? MJ London, UK - Boyzone have all been very busy doing there own thing this year. Ronan has been recording his solo album. Stephen has been writing and Shane has been travelling. But what about poor old Mikey? …‘Well, I’ve got a couple of odd jobs coming up on East Side Terrace. Mrs Williams wants a new boiler and Mr Hagget wants his overflow seen to, so I’ve got my work cut out until after Christmas really..." A Close friend UK - This is regarding Murry the Hump, or "the best new band in Britain", as they have been described by Blur's Alex James. Their drummer, Bill "William Shilling" Coyne was the original drummer for late eighties British Guns 'n' Roses wannabes The Quireboys. It was decided that his services were no longer required shortly before their first American tour. Apparently, he couldn't keep time. To be fair, this is no longer the case. Now, having said that, go to the Murry the Hump website and look at the group's individual profiles. Mr Coyne says he was born in 1970. If this was so, then he would have been about 16 when he left The Quireboys. Either that or he's lied. alisonwonderbread UK, - Oo-Er Mr Take it easy some get a chance Macy Gray - What the fuck’s going on in the music world ? Why is everybody getting so wanked up over downloading music from unsigned bands ? and why do people think the idea of wading through thousands of crappy tunes is a good idea anyway ? Even though Record Companies are no better than despotic dictators, or shit factories at least they save us the pain of finding something for ourselves. The only good thing I can see coming out of all this tosh is that the new age pansy record exec might stop watching his soft ass and start taking risks with new acts and ideas rather than sticking to the same old formula they now use. Marlow the now unemployed London, UK - Any up and coming records company bosses may like to pay a visit to Old Church Street, London. A certain record company of that city (the clue's in the address) seem to have lost their boss. Or maybe he just wont return anyones calls..... Pectoral Pete the Mystic Walnut Crusher - The Tong Dance Guru is celebrating the New Year earning as much as he can by working at as many parties as he can. He’s playing on Radio 1, then off to the club Cream, then to the Cream pierhead event, and then on a plane to Cardiff. Why ??? because girlfriend Tracy is on a bender and he knows his time is short, ! Don’t you Pete. Mr J <NA> London, UK - Depends on who gives the best christmas presents to the right people Cynic - Any predictions for the dreaded Christmas No1? Tabby - Where can I get a Briteny Doll ? I had no idea her tits were so nice. I always saw her as a flat chested school girl, but NO Mr C - The question that a lot of record companies are asking themselves is how do we control this new medium of music distribution, the answer is they don't. I've long suspected that the CD format was basically an attempt to further allow record companies and their distribution outlets control over their product and artists etc. CD and now DVD are just to familiar! Why can we copy the source, much like the old cassette format, even though it is illegal? Why????? Because as much as it supposedly reduces the artists and companies profits, it allows for the format to be embraced, I don't think that record companies actually care if people are infringing copyright as long as they have control over the distribution format. Nik - My old hometown drummer friend Barry Thornley was once the manager of the "One Stop Records" retail chain... Island Record's retail outlet which was later taken over by "Our Price" and then with a severe loss of "Our Price" staff, by Richard Branson's Virgin Records. From Thornley's vivid industrial recollections.. It seems that Richard Branson made his early fortune this way. He would buy import albums in the UK at a cheaper rate, saying that they were in turn to be exported abroad. He would then take a couple of boxes on a day trip over to France to get documentation. Then he would sneak them back into the UK, to be sold at full rates without tax,without documentation and without knowledge of a Conservative government which now in opposition, still fawn upon his "abilities" But did the musicians get paid? Maybe that's why some of us are comparatively happy that another old pal of mine once built a ramp and drove his old car up, up and away and into Branson's swimming pool. Beno - You can send demo tapes/ CD's to a record company until your blue in the face with no feedback. But get out in the clubs and play that same music, and you'll find A&R men around you like flies around shit. If the music's out there the record companies will homogenize, control and then exploit. A&R Tip London, UK - Fatboy Slim tracks on Playstation....Can't wait Sony - Boy George...what’s wrong with you man? John Prescott - Ministry V Cream... Who in their right mind would believe that clubs are somehow involved in drug dealing james UK - I hate drummers, noisy aggressive fuckers GK UK - Phillips issues writ on Universal. This is one sad, pissed off man who just can't let it be... maybe he believes this will help repair his tarnished "I'm untouchable" Big Man image. You're not the only victim Nick and karma comes around. UK -

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