I N S I D E R N E W S I N S I D E R D E E P G R I T I N S I D E R T R A D I N G I N S I D E R B A C K S T A G E I N S I D E R M E M B E R S




ken berry thought Kylie "too european" for release stateside. Since Lvey has launched her over there she has been at the top of the billboards...

doh!


TheCrunge <weedja2000@yahoo.co.uk>
London, UK -

Simon, Simon 19 and Universal...Table will turn when you need the help of TOTP to break a less fortunate investment. Stamping your feet just because you can't get your own way won't help Will or any of your Pop Puppets.
Mark
London, UK -

At last Mick Hucknall might have met his perfect match - Lady Victoria Hervey. They have so much in common! Neither work- well she plays at shops and when did he last have a hit?, both will turn up at the opening of an envelope if they think they will get their picture in the papers and neither seem to have homes to go to. Neither seem too fussy about who they s**g either!

Shame she wont do his working class man of the people image any good tho His pal Tony B wont like her comments about the number of children the poor have! Mind you the idea that Mick Hucknall is like the man in the street anymore is a joke unless the man up your street constantly has a champagne glass in his hand

Carla
Manchester, UK -

Ozzy Osbourne is a rock legend. He is not however a very good judge of films.

He was recently asked "what is the greatest film ever made ?". ...........He chose ......Private Ryan.

I rest my case!

Looney <bin@londonhouse.co.uk>
LONDON, UK -

Boy George has known Bush front man Gavin Rossdale since he was sixteen.

He told me:" I met him when he was 16 and he was still a baby. He’s done amazingly well. He’s got a huge drive. He’s got a huge cock as well".

LONNY
London -

Robbie Williams has taken out life insurance worth £3 million. The money is believed to be heading to his mum if anything happens to him.

And Paul Young has also taken out life insurance this week. His mother will get £27.80 in coppers, if anything terrible happens to him.

ROB <the_rich.com>
TOFEEDTHE, POOR -

Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora makes every guest at his house take a breathalyser test before they go home.

Only one guest refused the test and that was Keith Richards shortly before he ploughed threw Richie’s crystal green house, and straight through the stables and into a swimming pool. "That’s the last time we invite Keith over for a night cap!" Richie said afterwards.

OLE <ole@countonme.com>
UK -

Elvis Presley’s Cadillac is expected to fetch $150,000 at an auction of star’s cars.

Simon Le Bon’s ford fiesta is expected to fetch around £70.

BEN
-

Paul McCartney spoke openly about one of the biggest regrets of his life this week.

He told me: " As I sat I sat there I had an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I kept thinking ‘what have I done to my family?’ Thinking back on it I think, ‘How could I do that?’"

Paul was talking abouhr> Lord, like a bad fart under a duvet, The Bee Gee’s keep on coming back, long after they should have disappeared for good.

This week I spotted them prancing around like a bunch of leather clad war vertans at a Marc Almond convention. They’ve already made millions by sounding as if they’ve just fallen from a great height on to the handles of a BMX, so why the hell do they keep coming back with a new single that has all the beauty and melody of a Chris De Burg b-side from 1989!

And has anyone seen their new ‘Bee Gee’ video! It’s like watching a cross between an episode of Dad’s Army and Planet of the Apes!

sweetie <sweetie@btinternet.com>
Essex, UK -

Hear’say Myleene has decided to call off her proposed marriage to long term boyfriend David Sebastian, all because he refused to have a tattoo of his ex-girlfriends name removed from his um… penis……honestly what’s the problem?…I mean I obviouslyI haven’t seen the offending article, but from what Myleene tells me, she doesn’t feel confortable with the ‘prominent’ reminder of his past lover ‘Natalie’ staring her in the face every time they go to bed together.
CHILD DESTINY
UK -

Eminem has a gay porn look alike. Yep, whilst flicking through this months issue of Euro boy, I couldn’t help but notice a young ‘hunk’ who looked just like the controversial rapper,

I’m sure Eminem can’t wait to see the pictures, although not half as much as old ‘dick twister’ Elton John!

PS Mr WORRY...so you have Woolies in New York eh ?

Er <porter@hotbot.com>
LONDON, UK -

Bad boy rapper Eminem has once again hit the headlines this week, even though he’s not lifted a finger.

First off ‘poor mans WH Smiths’ Woolworth’s were cautioned this week after they were caught selling plastic Eminem chain saws in stores up and down the country. Apparently, the £9.99 toys are selling like ‘hot cakes’ as thousands of nine year old car thieves from all over Luton queue up for the harmless toy in an attempt to imitate the their idol who uses a chainsaw as part of his infamous stage act.

WORRY <worryman@state.com>
NYC, USA -

Worrying news reaches me from the states this week concerning the ‘King of Pops’ eagerly anticipated comeback album.

No, not I’m talking about the long awaited return of Vanilla ice, but the much-hyped new release from none other than Michael Jackson. Yep, recent reports suggest that old Jacko is becoming increasingly paranoid about how critics and fans will react to his forthcoming album, which has reportedly cost a staggering £5 million to make.
(In comparison Bobby Mcferrin’s comeback album cost just £15.70 to make).

PINKY <Mr_pinky@honest.com>
YORK, UK -

This week Geri Halliwell has offered to pose nude for any magazine in the world… but only if she’s paid £10 million.

Quite why she thinks anyone would want to cough up that much dough just to see what her hagged old body looks without a skimpy dress on is beyond me. (Especially, when it looks more like a pink bin liner full of old coat hangers these days!) Even my aunt Beryl has a better body than Geri’s at the moment, and she’d happily pose naked for any magazine (including Horse & Hound!) for £25 cash in hand.

TOM
UK -


Sir Paul McCartney has turned down the chance to appear on gay comic Graham Norton’s chat show, because he feared the show was too ‘risqué’.

I bet it’s not the first time a man has turned the other cheek to Graham.

levy <levitate@levitation.com>
UK -

Troubled pop diva Whitney Houston and her husband Bobby Brown were kicked out of Hollywood’s most expensive hotel this week after a £2,000 suite was completely trashed.

But before you start thinking that it was Whitney who was acting like a pissed up Sumo wrestler, it was actually all naughty Bobby’s fault. he was higher than a drugged up road protester,

He was having a fight with his younger brother Tommy after he’d finished filming his film debut in a new movie called ‘Go for Broke’! And it looks as if Bobby took things a bit too literally as he broke two doors a crystal table, and a 27inch television.

Tipo <tonto@hountryhouse.co.uk>
Cornwall, Cornwall -

Hey……..I thought it was great show…Take Geri Haliwell for example. She turned up once again looking like a ‘pink beanpole’ and hugged nine year old ‘Tommy Tucker’ who bravely saved his dying Mother from almost certain death when she suffered a massive heart attack last December. Little Tommy performed open-heart surgery on his dying Mother with nothing but a corkscrew and a rusty spanner. He also managed to build her a ventilator from a broken Hoover and a bicycle pump. She was finally saved when he wired her up to the microwave. After 25 minutes on full power she was as good as new. (Although slightly under cooked )
Beeny
UK -

Did you see the ‘Mirror Pride of Britain awards’ this week, I know this is a sensitive subject BUT..I think it’s about time some one spoke out about this terrible awards show. This ‘awards ceremony’ gives the Mirror a huge amount of publicity by getting every popstar in town to turn up a cuddle a child who has been ’exceptionally brave’!). These ‘stars’ turn up, hug a kid with one leg, get their mugs in the papers and then go home. Mission accomplished! Do they have no shame? (Judging by Ronan Ketting hideous C&A jacket obviously not!)
towny <king_tot@hottotrot.co.uk>
UK -

Popstar Jordan cheered up thousands of German soldiers when she popped into see them in Bavaria.
They lapped up her giant F cup hooters, and the sound of machine guns accidentally going off on their own accord, could be heard for miles.

If we’re ever at war with the Germans again it’s now clear all we need to do is tie Jordan naked to a handglider and send her flying over enemy lines and victory is ours!

Tasty <boubcer@hotbot.com>
BATH, UK -

Jamiroquai has been spotted walking his beloved pooches in London’s Hyde Park this week.

Jay split from the big breasted Denise Van Outen last month, and I’m pretty sure this won’t be the last time he’s spotted chasing a bunch of dogs.

Danny Boy <danboy@Diegobox.net>
London, Uk -

Destiny’s Child singer, Beyonce Knowles has a strange ambition, to stroke a whale!

"It has to be a huge one, but I don’t think you can do that because the boat can float into their mouths….. So you can’t get too close".

Why not save yourself a lot of time and trouble by closing your eyes and just giving Mel C a quick fondle! It’s just like the real thing. I’m sure she’ll love it!

Brian <lifeboy@snowdon.com>
Leeds, UK -

Ricky Martin has spoken for the first time about his new love Ines Misan.
"I’m not looking for beauty or intelligence in a woman".

And judging by the look of her, it’s just as well.

Linda Love <lovelegs@singlegirl.co.uk>
Leicester, Uk -

Big-hearted Robbie Williams is donating many of his stage costumes and song lyrics to charity to raise money for his hometown of Stoke on Trent.

So if you want to look like a twat, then you can purchase many of the idols items at a special auction being held next Tuesday, which Robbie is hoping will raise money for those less fortunate than himself. (i.e. ‘smacky’ and ‘Jimmy the junkie’).

Leo Sayer was the last big name star to auction off memorabilia to raise money for good causes. He auctioned hundreds of his stage outfits last year to raise money for the Great Ormond Street Hospital. (And very grateful for the new shower curtains they were too!).


DAFT SUNK <daffy@.virgin.net>
LONDON, UK -

Whilst waiting in the car park of one of Swindon’s finest restaurants (the award winning, KFC) who should get out of the car next to me? Well, none other than Jennifer Lopez!

When I asked Jennifer what the hell she was doing in Swindon, she told me she was supposed to be in ‘Sweden’, but her personal assistant is slightly deaf. (Apparently, this is not the first time old ‘deaf aid’ has let her down. Last year she asked for ‘200 diamond studded bandannas’ and ended up wondering what to do with ‘200 diamond studded bananas’

Bruce <b_ruce@hotmail.com>
SWINDON, UK -

Poor Puffy Dadda…after weeks of crying like a ‘panda in a hurricane’ over the fact that Jennifer Lopez is now dating a man who wouldn’t look out of place in the Bradford City reserves, Mr Puff has finally turned his attentions to another all singing, all dancing female...

No, it’s not Bonnie Langford! However, it is a woman who also looks a lot like a poodle that’s fallen down a lift shaft! Yep, you’ve guessed it….. it’s Janet Jackson.

LUSH <lusher@imagine.co.uk>
Birmingham, UKPoor Puffy Dadda·after weeks of crying like a Îpanda in a hurricaneâ over the fact that Jennifer Lopez is now dating a man who wouldnât look out of place in the Bradford City reserves, Mr Puff has finally turned his attentions to another Îall singing, all dancing femaleâ. -

JON SECADA IS BRILLIANT!!! GO TO www.jonsecada.net THNAKS!!
NEW SINGLE BREAK THE WALLS OUT SOON!

R. Martin
Miami, Florida, USA -

TRAVIS FRONTMAN FRAN HEALY HAS A HUGE COCK!!!
MONKEYBOY
LONDON, UK -

I hear that Goldie is the father of Meg Matthews child, Betty Boo is a dyke, Billie offered gak from her breasts to men er er er ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!!!
Brian Cant <brian@cant.com>
London, UK -

Where is me ring
Pince Albert <u@p.com>
saggart, cuba -

Popbitch is better than this shite.
j <r@qwerty.com>
leeds, uk -

Shhhhhhhhh... Robbie Williams has quit Take That
www.popbitch.com
-

A bloke I know has a mate who used to see a well-known teen pop sensation (now involved with a certain 'Ginger' DJ). He swears blind she used to enjoy having cocaine snorted off her naked bosoms, hence her nickname 'chazbaps'
Dr Lecter
-

Shhhhhh....kepp this to yourselfs but apparently a certain jungle star with gold teeth is the real father of a certain oasis star's child. shhhhhhhh....
Gregster <gregworld@hotmail.com>
london, uk -

What's the name of Billie's stalker? Now she's out of action can I take up her baton please?

I'll gak Billie to death

Captain K
-

Popstars recording with RAY HEDGES ???????

DON'T THEY WANT ANY HITS, THEN ????????????

charlie <charlie78@hotmail.com>
London, UK -

Following the Billie Piper ‘stalker’ case. Ronan Keating has taken to stalking his own fans. " It’s by way of a protest on behalf of all us pop stars, so that you ordinary people out there to get a taste of your own medicine." Keating decided to pick on Susan Wateley, 16 from Uttoxeter, hanging round her home, leaving messages on her phone and pestering her en route to school. Susan said: "He’s all over me like a rash, I think it’s great! We tried to invite him in for tea the other day but he said he was too busy riffling through our dustbin."
Handy Andy <odd@jobby.com>
London, Uk -

Robbie Williams this week stunned an audience by performing with a huge rubber cock.

Robbie is no stranger to performing with massive cocks, but that’s enough about Gary Barlow!

ODD JOB <bonage12@hotmail.com>
Swindon, UK -

Britney Spears has once again had her ‘goody two shoes’ image ruined this week when an off stage rant featuring a torrid of ‘F’ words was released on the internet.

Britney was heard to say: "What, the crowd are just gonna fucking stand there? What am I, a fucking retard? Get the fuck out the way! Where’s my sequin bra you mother fuckers? I’m due on in a fucking minute!"

And these were the exact same words another big female celebrity used just before she spoke to over 200,000 fans in Rome. It was sadly to be Mother Teresa’s finale performance.

LIPPY <andrea_hamel@homebound.co.uk>
CORK, Ireland -

Up and coming star ‘Dido’ has admitted she hates her name.

"My Parents named me after Virgil’s Queen who killed herself, but I was furious they gave me some stupid name that kids took the piss out of."

Her brother ‘Dildo’ also had problems at school.

WINNIE <Poohbear@hotbot.com>
Manchester, UK -

Did anyone see this Saturday ‘s live grand final of ‘Star’s In Their Eyes’.
Only in Britain could you have a television show that lets talentless nobodies get the chance to humiliate themselves in front of the nation. (And that just Top Of The Pops!) Personally, I wanted Simon & Garfunkal impressionists, Jason Ward and Darren Aldwinkle to win. They look just like them. (In other words, two singing homosexuals).

Two years ago, I entered the show, and very nearly won! However, the Judges soon disqualified me, because of my white skin and blond hair. They told me there was no way the audience would believe I was Stevie Wonder.

Trotter <steptoe@peoplesound.com>
York, UK -

Looks as if those ‘singing prostitutes’ ‘Destiny’s Child’ are doing rather well for themselves. They look like hot shit, and they sound like hot shit, but at least they write their own lyrics!
Try these modern day pieces of literature for size:’Sexy boy ,your so fly. I might just give you a try. I’ll write your number on the palm of my hand. Oops, I forgot, I got a man.’

This has inspired me to write my own rap.’ Tina, why are you fucking with Steve? I know I work late at the gas works, but please don’t leave. They say ‘two rights don’t make a wrong’, but I suppose he’s just got a bigger Dong!"

Loud Mouth <tooty@lipstickmusic.co.uk>
Manchester, UK -


Cher is once again back in the headlines after she risked life, for yet more plastic surgery.
this time using powerful, human growth hormones.

If she’s not careful, I can see her ending up looking like the Grinch! With all that plastic in her, I just hope she doesn’t fall asleep too close to the log fire this Christmas!

Billy <goaty@hindsight.com>
Leeds, UK -

Get a life! Ben from A1 is better than u would be anyday. at least he dont go around slagging people off.
AND, he aint fake like britney spears. I THINK ITS TIME U GUYS GREW UP!!
and by the way britney spears DOES mime and she is crap at it

jasmin
-

Ricky Martin was recently spotted by a friend of mine in Puerto Rico. There was almost a scuffle at "Tepe a Tepe" - a new cafe in Miramar. It seems there was a small scene when Ricky was refused entry. The problem: the cafe isn't open yet! Mr. Martin had appearently heard the place (an interesting renovation project) was great and served pie and coffee in the evenings. Again the problem: Tepe a Tepe was only open one day before Thanksgiving selling pies and coffee, but isn't open for regular business yet.

Martin apologized to the owner, and the owner promissed to serve Ricky an extra large piece of pie when the place opens, sometime next week.

Trickled Fuzzes
-

Well now....... Kylie Minoguey! She seems to bring out the crappest in music, and the only reason why everyone bloody grovels over her is because she makes her videos so bloody saucy that any sad git would want a taste of her bacon, So basically what i'm saying or wondering is how much money the promoters get for sticking that tart into the top of the charts, but then again who doesn't with the world of pop these days, i mean look at steps, absolute shite with there Batty Boy Dance routines who get little kids to buy there records so they get loadsa dosh, mind u though ,Penkys right to slate them and put a stop to playing there tunez on the radio, what happened at PITP2000 with them was a disgrace.... Pops had it and no wonder its being taken the piss out of, UP THE GARAGE MASSIVE!
Mr Smirnoff ICE <n/a>
London, UK -

A documentary due to be broadcast this week is claiming that Paula Yates would have recovered from the death of her partner Michael Hutchence if he hadn't been such a bad influence on her.

Friend and music journalist, Paul Gambacini, said "I'l never forgive Michael for the drink and the drugs. I'm absolutely sure, positive that he got her involved in all the things that people thought he got her involved in. I think he was responsible for all of that and he was responsible for all the subsequent pain."

Mrs Yates
-

Great site. Keep it up for Briters
Fuck her
LA, USA -

Why don't you just leave Britney alone...She's doing a great job.
BIZZO
London, UK -



WESTLIFE are apparently so desperate to make sure that they crack the Number One spot this Sunday that they've even dropped their trousers for The Sun newspaper! As if they needed to do that, anyway!
But dropping your clobber seems to be the latest thing, GERI HALLIWELL, who's currently working on her new album, has gone one step further and taken all her kit off for her saucy new calendar!

PopGoss
London, UK -

I tell ya, I love this site, who are you guys....have you read Popbitch...it's absolute shite compared to this
LOADED <news@loaded.co.uk>
Birmingham, UK -

So what's all tis AUDIOARENA stuff coming soon..how soon?
NEIL <armsie@coolbeats.co.uk>
Bristol, UK -

TO NORTHEN LINE YOUR THE BEST I SAW YOU AT STEPS CONCERT AND YOU WAS FAB BETTER THAN EVERY ONE ELES SO KEEP UP THE FAB WORK FROM COOL KID
COOL KID <BARNES1444@THEGRID.ORG.UK>
-


It's been reported that BRITNEY went out on a bit of a rampage in Germany with her posse spending £8,000 on shandy booze and then getting up on the bar for a little old fashioned showing off.
According to staff in the bar in question, she was puffing on fags, putting away a variety of cocktails and bumping and grinding up in a pink leather mini-skirt and boob tube.
According to one tabloid, BRITTERS was so giddy at the end of the do that she left the bar without her jacket and had to be chased up the road.

PopGoss
London, UK -

This week, after a terrible mix up at a Marc Almond convention, I ended up getting a listen of the latest Kylie Minogue album that was to become the backdrop to a night that opened my mind and trousers!
It has to be one of the worst albums of all time. all I can really remember of it was the single ‘Spinning Around’ which was being played as I was still ‘spinning around’ with my new found friend Quentin. after that, things became a blur, and I’m now walking with a slight limp.
Kylie on the other hand, has finally found a ‘bandwagon’ that has embraced her with their big hairy arms, she’s now one of the biggest Gay Icons of all time, and her album is selling like ‘hot bottoms’ on a cold Soho back street.
Isn’t weird to think that only a year ago she was as popular as fox at a fox hunt, and now she’s bigger than Judy Finagan’s tits.
Keep up the good work love. hat’s and trousers off to you, you old weasel !

Danny <danny_d@hotbot.com>
Manchester, UK -

Someone told me that a Radio Station in the US is running a competition where fans can win ‘plastic Surgery’ to have a face like Britney Spears! For fuck sake, has the world gone MAD? ……Now her breasts, I can understand !
TOSH <peter_T@students-u.london.ac.uk>
London, UK -

Sheffield rockers Def Leppard were forced to hand out refunds to 700 fans after a concert because they played too quietly ! The band were made to keep the volume down during their gig in Salem, a sort of ‘craft fayre’ where they shared the billing with’ Bread and Muffin’ baking contests.
Fans were furious that their ‘heroes’ should ‘sink to such levels’ and demonstrated to the organisers, demanding their money back !
Fans were compensated in full and were all given free tickets to watch the ‘Milk Moustache’ contest later in the day! (TRUE STORY)

BONER <boner_m@bigfoot.com>
Sheffield, UK -

In a recent article in the papers, Britney Spears is afraid to fly over here too see her ever so sad fans because she can't speak the Queens English, Who does she think we are! As if we give a flying monkey whether we can understand her miming tongue, Everyone bloody hates her anyway, Stay over the other side of the Atlantic you skanky lil fake tart!
Mr Smirnoff Ice
London, UK -

Cooch Music's Amateur Songwriting Contest

Cooch Music has launched it's second "Amateur Songwriting Contest"! Web address at www.coochmusic.com. Songwriters are now able to enter a contest that is aimed for amateurs only! Songs are to be judged on originality, lyrics, melody and composition. Quality of performance and production will not be considered. Entry fee is only $5.00. Win Prizes and publishing contracts from J.Cooch Music (BMI), music publisher.Grand prize is a handmade acoustic guitar with hardshell case from Gregg Rogers Guitars. Retail value is $2195.00. To view this guitar and to get all of the details go to www.GreggRogersGuitars.com.
As Joseph Cuccia from Cooch Music explains, "This contest is for every amateur songwriter who really wants to make it in this industry. Helping the amateur songwriter is what we do best! Every entry is listened to by the staff of J.Cooch Music(BMI), music publisher. Giving every entry the guarantee of being listened to by a professional in the industry." Deadline for this contest is April 30, 2001. Cooch Music will run it's Amateur Songwriting Contest twice a year.
For information on how to get an entry form, rules regulations and the prize list visit www.coochmusic.com.
Cooch Music "Helping the amateur songwriter is what we do best!". Services include: Music Publishing, Amateur Songwriting Contest, Songwriter Services, Industry Song Listings!

Joseph P Cuccia
Cooch Music
www.coochmusic.com
22 Williams Way S.
Baiting Hollow, NY, 11933
coochmusic1@aol.com

Joseph Cuccia <Coochmusic1@aol.com>
Baiting Hollow, NY, USA -

Can you believe it...More world domination plans from the Heir Fuller boot camp.

St Simon insists his latest on-line venture 'PopWorld" will become a key promotional vehicle for the Music Industry and all spotty, teenage popsters alike.

This is in direct competition to Martin Heaths - wooden cross - "WorldPop" (Launched last year) which has become so confused and miss-directed it no longer has any firm identity or objective. Is it Pop - Is it Dance - Is it cool - Is it cheep - Is it Inside - What is it ? Martin and his squeaky team of rodents don't have a clue, so no wonder the punters are confused.

Jerry
UK -

Pop get's all the attention...I wonder why ? Could it be there's more potential victims to mess with and let's face it there are more good lookers in Pop than Rock.

Spanner
LONDON, UK -

You know, not everybody wants to read about Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez etc...what about ROCK? there's some great music out there, everybody keeps ramming POP down our throats.....though having said that, I wouldn't mind ramming my sausage down Britney's throat.......PS...who sent me this link?
SAM <banging@touchme.co.uk>
Sunderland, UK -

Just a note to say "Insiders, no PC should go untouched!!!". I have passed the "word" to others.

t's Fucking brilliant!

MATT <matt@headspace.co.uk>
LONDON, UK -

This week, good old virgin hooters Britney Spears once again tells us that she still dreams of meeting old golden nuts Prince William, and one day becoming our wonderful Queen.

Whilst I mopped her brow with a pair of my pink satin love pants, Britney told me last night : I was asked to meet him but it didn't work out. I would love to have met him but it leaked out and it was cancelled. It Îs probably a blessing in disguise because, had we met up, I would have never been left alone".

Ummmm I don't want to say anything negative love, but it looks to me as if old King Willy isn't up for a game of Where's Willy now ?, and I'm not surprised if something s leaked outâ as you are looking hotter than Sam Fox on a sun bed. I just think youâre aiming too high. Why not try good old Prince Philip, heâs up for anything because he's so
bored now he’s managed to finally get old Diana out of the picture. Also judging by the state of the Queen he certainly would be used to handing two saggy melons. Get on with it. Get your hands on his crown before it’s too late.

Willy <wills@queenies.co.uk>
LONDON, UK -

This has to go down as one of the worst mistakes in pop history. Yep, later this year Michael âHow did those Children get in to my loft ? Jackson will be giving the Oxford University Union a lecture on ÎChild Careâ.

Dear oh dear. this is bound to be as popular as that time Bernard Manning was invited to switch on the Christmas lights of Jamaica in 1983. Lord, oh Lord, I can just see the look of horror on every Oxford Îdonâsâ face now, as Jackson holds a young child a loft above his Îpodiumâ and announces : Washing a child is the most important aspect of Child care. And I would give my Îgold fillings just to see the sheer panic set in as Jackson quickly sprays the youngster with grease, before hosing him down and finally giving him the Îonce overâ with a massive 12 foot long loafer.

Picture the scene as Jackson suddenly goes berserk and starts trying to get the young child to stop crying by filling itâs mouth full of coal. Poor old Jacko. he must need the money real bad, but if I was him, I'd run for my life as soon as I'd dropped the greased up toddler and quickly beat it back to his perverts paradiseâ in Never Never land. ( Interestingly enough, itâs called ÎNever Never landâ because once your Child enters itâs gates you'll Never, Never see them again.)

BILLY JEAN <Mike@waxworks.com>
Neverland, BRISTOL -

New news ;the cleptomaniacs have spruced up Stevie Wonders 'All I Do' so another decade of listeners justify one of the great song masters of our time and bini and martini have taken the original aussi tart kylies new record re-worked it and produced da dub of 'on a night like this' if it only had kylie on it you wouldnt ere it on my radio show,yes i am a real life legal radio presenter laters. rage
DJ RAGE
-

The posh tart on spillers groovejet is reported to be from a failed cack indie band and was quoted to have said not to like dance music ,somehow me thinks her career with many producers and remixers might now be somewhat in question,bets are beein taken as to whether this was a scam by radio1 to take the orig cut from the miami ep find one of pete tongs ponsey birdie mates slaP ON THE VOCAL BADLY!!and then ring up spiller sayin 'listen boyo weve redone your tune wanna use it in our one love promos and give u a top pop no1,ok'.
I say long live the orig cut and hats off to the originators of my genre of music,loius vega,frankie knuckles and larry levan,up the arse of the pr revolving churn out pop machine,disco lives u know!! rage

DJRage
-

The Reading festival is up and running...and so are we. Come and find the very best festival musts at Lulus
Moris
Reading, -

an incredible new phylosophy in music has been developed by west country based band. they spend vast amounts of money recording tracks to satisfy their own listening pleasures.'why buy a cd you might not like when you can record your own' is the approach the band have adopted. They have even signed a record contract to complete the illusion that the singles could have come from the shops.
jack and the beanstalk
-

T in the park promoter Stuart Clumpas was robbed of £70,000 by masked robbers who broke into his home two days after last weeks festival.

Three intruder's brandishing sticks, dressed in balaclavers and camouflage tied up and threatened Stuart before fleeing in the family car.

Dressed like that I bet Stuart thought Limp Bisquit had called in for a cup of tea.

barry <bzz@incite.demon.co.uk>
Birmingham, UK -

My new idol Eninem is having a terrible week.

First his wife tries to commit suicide. Then the BBC ban his tunes. Then his mum sues his arse off in the courts.

And to top it all off, he forgot to put the bins out on Wednesday.

Tessa <tess01@hotmail.com >
Bolton, UK -



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